Autistic people can indeed maintain friendships with others, however, they can find it challenging for a number of reasons.
Autistic individuals, like everyone else, often desire to form and maintain meaningful friendships. However, navigating the social world presents unique challenges due to differences in communication, social interaction, and sensory processing.
While some autistic individuals experience difficulties establishing and maintaining friendships, research increasingly challenges the historical notion that autistic people are inherently asocial.
Difficulties Maintaining Friendships for Autistic People
Below are several reasons why autistic people may find it difficult to maintain friendships, compared with neurotypical people.
It’s important to remember that autistic people are a diverse group and experiences with friendships can vary greatly.
These challenges do not mean that autistic individuals are incapable of having or maintaining friendships but they can increase understanding as to some potential barriers:
Social Communication and Interaction Differences
Autistic people may have differences in how they communicate and interact socially. They may:
- Take language literally: For example, imagine you have just met up with a friend and at the end of the meeting they say “Let’s meet again soon.” An autistic person might take this to mean that the friend wants to meet up in a few days (a time they would consider “soon”), while the friend might actually mean that they want to meet at an undetermined date in a month or so.
- Find it hard to interpret non-verbal cues: They may find conversations confusing due to challenges with understanding body language and social cues. This can lead to misunderstandings and misinterpretations in social interactions.
- Have different communication styles: For instance, autistic individuals may have a strong preference for direct communication, while neurotypical individuals might rely more on indirect communication or subtle cues.
- Have difficulty with social reciprocity: This involves understanding and responding “appropriately” to social cues and expectations, such as taking turns in conversations and showing interest in what others have to say. They may inadvertently steer conversations toward their own interests, which could be interpreted as self-centeredness.
These differences can lead to misunderstandings, frustration, and communication breakdowns in friendships.
Sensory Sensitivities and Overload
Many autistic people have sensory sensitivities, where certain sounds, lights, textures, or other sensory input can be overwhelming or even painful.
Social situations can be particularly challenging in this regard. Autistic individuals may experience sensory overload in busy or noisy environments, which can lead to exhaustion and a need to withdraw from social situations.
This can be misinterpreted as disinterest or aloofness by neurotypical friends, potentially straining the friendship.
Masking and Camouflaging
Masking or camouflaging involves suppressing or hiding autistic traits in an attempt to fit in with neurotypical social norms.
While masking might seem helpful in the short term, it can be incredibly draining and lead to:
- Inauthentic connections: Masking can prevent autistic individuals from being their true selves, making it difficult to form genuine connections with others.
- Emotional exhaustion: Constantly masking autistic traits can lead to emotional exhaustion and burnout, impacting overall well-being and making it harder to sustain friendships.
One person explains:
“I feel like I have a different mask for each person based on the qualities I think they want in a friend. I don’t want to wear the mask but I worry they won’t want to be friends with the authentic me.“
Differing Friendship Needs and Expectations
Autistic individuals may have different needs and expectations when it comes to friendships. For example:
- Friendship definition: Some autistic individuals may define friendships based on shared interests, while neurotypical individuals might prioritize emotional intimacy. One autistic person highlighted this by stating, “We like the same stuff and we engage with each other over it: friends!”
- Social interaction frequency: Social interaction can be more tiring for autistic individuals so they may prefer less frequent interactions. For instance, one person shared, “I find texting friends exhausting and often take hours or days to respond to people which I worry will come across as rude. I would much prefer to just talk when we meet in-person.” This could lead to misinterpretations from friends who may not understand this need for less frequent interaction.
- Level of emotional labor: Autistic individuals may not be comfortable with or understand the same level of emotional expression or support as neurotypical individuals. This can create challenges in friendships where emotional reciprocity is expected.
Societal Perceptions and Stigma
Negative societal perceptions and stereotypes about autism can significantly impact autistic individual’s ability to form and maintain friendships. These factors can lead to:
- Misunderstandings: Misconceptions about autism can lead to neurotypical individuals making incorrect assumptions about an autistic person’s intentions or behaviors, creating barriers to mutual understanding.
- Stigma and prejudice: Stigma can make autistic individuals feel judged or excluded in social situations, making it difficult to develop friendships.
- Lack of support: Autistic individuals may experience a lack of support from neurotypical peers, educators, or family members, leading to feelings of isolation and making it harder to sustain friendships.
Social Anxiety
Social anxiety is common amongst autistic individuals, potentially due to a combination of factors including past negative social experiences and challenges navigating complex social situations.
This anxiety can make social interactions, including those with friends, feel daunting and lead to avoidance of social situations, further impacting their ability to maintain friendships.
What Makes Friendships Last for Autistic People?
Autistic individuals may find it easier to form and maintain friendships for several reasons outlined below.
Shared Interests and Activities
Autistic individuals often develop strong bonds through shared interests and activities.
Engaging in these shared pursuits provides a foundation for connection and reduces the pressure of navigating complex social interactions. For instance, meeting for coffee may feel too intense and rely too heavily on keeping the conversation going.
Online gaming communities can provide a space for autistic individuals to connect with others who share their passions, as all participants in a study reported having a large network of friends in their virtual gaming environments.
Examples of other structured activities may include board games, book discussions, crafting, or sports, where the focus of discussion is on the activity and shared enjoyment.
The structured nature of these environments may help autistic individuals feel more comfortable communicating.
Authenticity and Honesty
Autistic individuals often value authenticity and honesty in their friendships, as seen in the direct communication style commonly observed in autistic individuals.
Many report preferring friendships with other autistic people due to a mutual understanding of autistic traits which reduces the pressure to do things “right.” One person said:
“There is no pressure to talk. If there are silences it is not awkward because there is a shared understanding that silence is nice.”
Avoiding the need to mask or camouflage their true selves allows for more comfortable and sustainable friendships.
Understanding and Acceptance
Friendships where neurotypical individuals take the time to understand the unique needs and perspectives of their autistic friends can thrive. This may involve:
- Respecting sensory needs and sensitivities
- Using clear and direct communication
- Being patient with different communication styles
- Recognizing the value of shared interests
Again, autistic people have reported feeling more understood and accepted by other autistic people (and those with ADHD), creating a sense of belonging that strengthens their friendships.
This is corroborated by research that suggests autistic adults may prefer to interact with other autistic people, where they can speak freely about their interests and feel a greater sense of safety and acceptance.
This does not mean that autistic people cannot have strong, meaningful friendships with people who are not autistic. As long as there is a foundation of respect and mutual understanding, any friendship can thrive.
Tips for Autistic People to Maintain Friendships
Below are some tips for helping to maintain friendships as an autistic person. Note that these are to be taken as general advice and may require a lot of work and practice to understand what you want and value from a friendship.
Seeking additional support from a therapist can help to start guiding you if you find you really struggle to maintain any friendships.
Embrace Shared Interests
Connect with people who enjoy similar activities, hobbies, or topics. With your existing friends, try to find something you both enjoy that you can start pursuing together.
Joining clubs, groups, or online communities centered around these interests can provide a natural foundation for connection and reduce the pressure of initiating and maintaining conversations.
Communicate Openly and Honestly
Authenticity and direct communication are often cited as strengths of autistic individuals.
Don’t be afraid to express your needs and preferences clearly to your friends. For example, “I prefer people being clear with me so I do not get confused about what they mean.”
This can help establish clear boundaries and expectations, leading to more understanding and fulfilling relationships.
It’s important to find friends who appreciate this authenticity. If your friends seem offended by your straightforwardness, you can reassure them.
If they do not appreciate your authenticity or try to diminish this trait in you, then perhaps you can question this friendship.
Perhaps ask permission before saying something bluntly, such as “Am I ok to share my honest thoughts?” Obviously, take each situation as it is and be considerate of your friend’s wants and feelings.
Find Friends with Similar Friendship Needs
Autistic individuals often prefer “lower-maintenance friendships” that require less frequent interaction or emotional labor.
Explain your needs to your current friends while reassuring them that you value their friendship. If they are good, understanding friends, they will respect this. If they do not, they may not be the right friends for you.
Seek out friends who understand and respect this need for space and don’t interpret less frequent contact as disinterest.
A Redditor made a great analogy:
“Neurotypicals tend to be flower friends – they require a LOT of maintenance and effort to stay alive. Us autistics tend to be cactus friends – we don’t need much maintenance and one interaction can fuel our social needs for quite a while.”
Utilise Structured Social Situations
Engaging in activities with clear rules and expectations, such as board game nights, book clubs, or tabletop role-playing games (TTRPGs), can alleviate social anxiety and facilitate interaction.
These structured environments can provide a framework for communication and reduce the uncertainty that sometimes makes social interaction challenging.
Don’t Be Afraid to Seek Out Other Autistic People
Research suggests autistic adults may find greater comfort and understanding in friendships with other autistic individuals.
Connecting with others who share similar experiences and perspectives can foster a sense of belonging and reduce the need for masking or camouflaging.
Online platforms and local autism organizations can be helpful in finding these connections.
Searching for online communities of people who share your special interests can also be great for deep discussions about your chosen topic.
References
Atherton, G., Hathaway, R., Visuri, I., & Cross, L. (2024). A critical hit: Dungeons and Dragons as a buff for autistic people. Autism, 13623613241275260. https://doi.org/10.1177/13623613241275260
Black, M. H., Kuzminski, R., Wang, J., Ang, J., Lee, C., Hafidzuddin, S., & McGarry, S. (2024). Experiences of friendships for individuals on the autism spectrum: A scoping review. Review Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 11(1), 184-209. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40489-022-00332-8
Chan, D. V., Doran, J. D., & Galobardi, O. D. (2023). Beyond friendship: The spectrum of social participation of autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 53(1), 424-437. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-022-05441-1
Crompton, C. J., Hallett, S., Ropar, D., Flynn, E., & Fletcher-Watson, S. (2020). ‘I never realised everybody felt as happy as I do when I am around autistic people’: A thematic analysis of autistic adults’ relationships with autistic and neurotypical friends and family. Autism, 24(6), 1438-1448. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361320908976
Gallup, J., & Perihan, C. (2021). Online Gaming Environments as a Potential Conduit to Support Friendships for Individuals With Autism Spectrum Disorder. In Education and Technology Support for Children and Young Adults With ASD and Learning Disabilities (pp. 29-50). IGI Global.
