Autistic individuals can form deep, meaningful friendships by leveraging their unique strengths and navigating social challenges.
It can be difficult for autistic individuals to make and maintain friendships.
This article explores the nuances of autistic friendships, offering insights from other autistic individuals into the obstacles faced, the strengths brought to relationships, and strategies for both autistic individuals and neurotypical friends to foster understanding and connection.
Whether you’re autistic, have an autistic friend, or simply want to learn more about neurodiversity in social contexts, this guide provides valuable perspectives on building and maintaining fulfilling friendships in a neurodiverse world.
What are the challenges autistic individuals face in forming friendships?
“I’ve always struggled with making friends to the point when I was young my mom made friends for me and I still feel like that carries on to this day.”
Autistic individuals often experience more feelings of loneliness and isolation compared to neurotypical peers.
Social difficulties tend to become more prominent during adolescence when interactions are expected to be more social-based and challenges can continue into adulthood.
This does not mean that autistic individuals do not desire social connection. Multiple studies suggest that autistic individuals crave social connection. Rather, this loneliness stems from a complex interplay of various factors.
As an autistic person myself, I have had my fair share of difficulties when it comes to friendships.
At school especially in my teenage years, it was hard to connect with other people. I had a group that I hung around with during breaks but I always felt like I was on the sidelines and not an actual valued friend in the group.
Once I left school, I stopped being invited to social meet-ups although I could see on social media that the rest of the group would regularly still meet. This pattern would continue at university and at jobs I had.
Below will discuss 5 of these possible factors that can explain why autistic individuals find friendships challenging:
1. Social Communication and Interaction Differences
Autistic individuals may communicate and interact differently than neurotypical individuals, which can lead to misunderstandings in social situations. Below are some ways in which there may be differences:
Interpreting Social Cues
Autistic individuals may find it difficult to interpret subtle social cues, such as facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language. They could come across as aloof or intense without meaning to.
“…it turns out that I come off rude. It takes time for people to get to know me…”
Reciprocal Conversations
Engaging in reciprocal conversations, where individuals take turns speaking and listening, can be challenging.
Autistic individuals may have different communication styles, such as a preference for direct communication or sharing information related to their special interests.
For example, a friend is sharing a recent negative experience and their autistic friend starts talking about a similar experience they have had as a way to relate to their friend and show understanding.
However, their friend may interpret this as the autistic friend making the conversation about themselves and away from their original issue.
Navigating Social Dynamics
The complexities of social dynamics, such as understanding unspoken rules and expectations, can be difficult for autistic individuals to navigate.
It is common for autistic individuals to take things that a friend says literally. For example:
Mira (who is autistic) is saying goodbye to her friend Harriet (who is neurotypical) after hanging out together. Before departing, Harriet says "Let's meet up again soon." Hearing this, Mira immediately suggests they meet again in 3 days because this is what she would consider "soon." Harriet is taken aback and explains that she actually won't be available to meet again until next month.
Mira is left confused as to why Harriet would use the word "soon" if she did not actually mean "soon."
These types of social differences can lead to misunderstandings on both the autistic and neurotypical individual, and may even result in friendships ending.
2. Social Anxiety and Insecurity
The social and communication differences experienced by autistic individuals can lead to feelings of social anxiety and insecurity, particularly in unfamiliar or unstructured situations.
Below are some of the consequences of social anxiety and insecurity:
Fear of Judgement
Autistic individuals may be highly sensitive to judgment or criticism from others, leading to a fear of social interaction.
For example, they may not feel comfortable discussing their interests if they are not considered ‘typical’ interests.
Previous Negative Experiences
Past negative experiences, such as bullying, toxicity, or social rejection, can contribute to anxiety and reluctance to engage in social situations.
“I still struggle reaching out to people and keeping touch with them due to the anxiety of being rejected.”
Social Avoidance
The fear of negative social experiences can lead to social avoidance, further limiting opportunities for social interaction and friendship development.
“It was getting to a point where I wasn’t getting invited to social events and felt excluded by others, that I just accepted it and stopped trying. I withdrew myself so I wouldn’t feel hurt by rejection.”
Masking or camouflaging
Autistic individuals may ‘mask’ or ‘camouflage’ their autistic traits as a way to fit in with social norms and to make friends. A form of masking can include people-pleasing or “fawning.”
While it can be helpful, this can result in less genuine connections and hinders authentic expression.
3. Differing Friendship Needs and Expectations
Autistic individuals often have different needs, expectations, and perspectives on friendships compared to neurotypical individuals.
These differences can create challenges in forming and maintaining relationships.
“Socializing is extremely exhausting for autistic people it it takes so much out of me and when I have such little energy to begin with it’s hard to prioritize things and include socializing into the things that I need to prioritize”
Definition of Friendship
Autistic individuals may define friendships differently. For some, they may emphasize shared interests and activities as primary factors.
In contrast, neurotypical individuals may prioritize emotional intimacy, self-disclosure, and social connection, while others may just like having more casual friendships.
“When I go into friendships I look for people I can have really deep connections with, and it has never dawned on me that other people just want someone to have fun with.”
Preference for Structured Activities
Many autistic individuals prefer structured activities with clear expectations and boundaries, as opposed to unstructured social settings that can feel overwhelming or unpredictable.
An example of this could be to play board games or video games together with a goal in mind, as opposed to meeting for coffee and a chat which is more open-ended.
Need for Lower Maintenance Friendships
Autistic individuals may require less frequent interaction or emotional labor, as social interaction can be more draining for them. They may need more time alone to recharge.
This can influence their social availability and preferred modes of communication. This could also come across as disinterest or neglect to their friends.
“I find texting friends exhausting and often take hours or days to respond to people which I worry will come across as rude. I would much prefer to just talk when we meet in-person.”
Communication Styles
Differences in communication styles can shape how autistic and neurotypical individuals perceive and experience friendships.
Autistic individuals may communicate more directly, literally, and with a focus on information sharing, while neurotypical individuals may rely more heavily on nonverbal cues, emotional expression, and social nuance.
4. The Double Empathy Problem
The “double empathy problem” describes the reciprocal communication difficulties between autistic and neurotypical individuals.
Both groups may struggle to understand each other’s communication styles and perspectives, leading to misinterpretations, frustration, and breakdowns in communication.
This mutual difficulty in understanding can hinder the development of friendships.
5. Impact of Societal Perceptions
Societal perceptions and stereotypes surrounding autism can significantly impact the ability of autistic individuals to form friendships. These negative perceptions often lead to:
Misunderstandings and Stigma
Misconceptions about autism can lead to stigma and prejudice, making it challenging for autistic individuals to feel accepted and valued in social settings.
If neurotypical individuals have a skewed understanding of what autism is based on stereotypes, they may not know how to communicate with autistic individuals in a way that is not off-putting.
Lack of Support
Autistic individuals may face a lack of support and understanding from neurotypical peers, educators, and even family members, creating barriers to social inclusion and acceptance.
What are the strengths autistic individuals bring to friendships?
There are several strengths autistic individuals can bring to friendships. These strengths often stem from the unique ways in which autistic individuals perceive and interact with the world.
While we have to remember each autistic person is different, these are some of the strengths that can be commonly observed in autistic individuals that make them good friends:
Authenticity and Honesty
Autistic individuals are often commended for their authenticity, honesty, and direct communication style.
They tend to say what they mean and value genuine connections over superficial interactions.
This authenticity can be incredibly refreshing and create a strong foundation of trust within friendships.
Loyalty and Dedication
Many autistic individuals are deeply loyal and dedicated friends. Once they form a bond, they invest time and effort into maintaining the relationship.
They are often dependable, reliable, and genuinely care about the well-being of their friends.
Shared Interests and Activities
As shared interests are often central to autistic friendships, these individuals excel at finding common ground and engaging in activities that both parties enjoy.
Their passion for their interests can be infectious, leading to enriching and engaging shared experiences.
Unique Perspectives and Insights
Autistic individuals often possess unique perspectives and insights that can broaden the horizons of their friends.
They may have different ways of seeing the world, problem-solving, or expressing themselves creatively, enriching the lives of those around them.
Strengths in Specific Communication Styles
While some aspects of social communication can be challenging, autistic individuals may excel in other areas, such as:
- Direct Communication: Autistic individuals often communicate directly and honestly, without hidden meanings or social manipulation, fostering clarity and transparency in their interactions.
- Literal Interpretation: Their literal interpretation of language can be an asset in situations where clear and concise communication is essential.
- Focus on Information Sharing: Many autistic individuals enjoy sharing information and engaging in discussions about their special interests, leading to intellectually stimulating conversations.
Do autistic people prefer friendships with other autistic individuals?
While autistic individuals can have strong connections with neurotypical individuals, some may experience a sense of ease and understanding in friendships with other autistic and neurodivergent individuals.
Below are some possible reasons for this:
Shared Experiences and Perspectives
Connecting with others who share similar experiences and perspectives can be validating and comforting.
Autistic individuals may find solace in friendships with others who understand the challenges of navigating a predominantly neurotypical world.
This shared understanding can foster a sense of belonging and reduce the pressure to mask or camouflage autistic traits.
After I got diagnosed as autistic at the age of 30, I started trying to make connections with other autistic and ADHD individuals who I felt had similar experiences to myself and who I could be more myself around.
It has been surprising how similar my experiences with past friendships relate to other neurodivergent folk. It helped me put things into perspective and reframe my previous thoughts of “I’m just unlikable.”
Reduced Social Anxiety and Sensory Overload
Interacting with other autistic individuals may alleviate some of the social anxiety and sensory overload often experienced in neurotypical settings.
The communication styles and social expectations within these friendships may feel more aligned and less overwhelming.
There’s less pressure with my neurodivergent friends. We don’t get offended when we need a ‘no-talking break’ in the middle of our weekend trip to recharge our social batteries. We can communicate when one of us is feeling overwhelmed and there is no judgment if I ask to leave a loud situation.
Authenticity and Acceptance
Autistic individuals may feel a greater sense of authenticity and acceptance in friendships with others on the spectrum, where they can be themselves without fear of judgment or misunderstanding.
For some reason, I have always found I can be most myself around autistic and other neurodivergent folk. It feels like we are drawn to each other’s energies. It is an odd phenomenon that I have heard other autistic people had similar experiences with.
One of the reasons I started considering I could be autistic was because I had an authentic friendship with someone else I worked with who is autistic and felt like I ‘clicked’ with them more than anyone else.
How can neurotypical individuals be better friends to autistic people?
Building meaningful friendships requires effort and understanding from both parties. Here are ‘Dos’ and ‘Don’ts’ for neurotypical friends:
Do
- Educate yourself about autism from reputable sources and challenge your own biases.
- Communicate clearly and directly so little room is left for misinterpretation.
- Ask your autistic friend how best you can support them.
- Recognize and respect personal boundaries.
- Understand that autistic individuals may need more alone time.
- Follow through on your commitments and plans as best as you can.
- Show genuine interest in your friend’s passions and hobbies.
- Advocate for the inclusion of autistic individuals in social settings and activities.
- Allow your friend the opportunity to leave highly stimulating environment.
- Allow your friend time to process information before they respond.
- Adjust the environment or activities as needed to create a more comfortable experience.
- Offer explicit details about social events (time, place, duration, attendees)
- Suggest text-based communication if phone calls are challenging.
- Provide as much warning as possible for schedule changes.
- Validate their experiences with an open mind.
An example of something a supportive friend said to me: "Please tell me if there is a way in which I can better communicate to you."
Don’t
- Assume lack of eye contact means disinterest.
- Assume all behaviors are related to autism.
- Make assumptions about abilities or limitations.
- Force your friend to participate in uncomfortable situations.
- Use infantilizing language or tone – speak to them like you would any other adult.
- Dismiss or downplay their sensory sensitivities.
- Try to make them appear more neurotypical or conform to social norms.
- Plan surprise parties (unless they like them!)
- Initiate physical contact without asking first.
- Try to change or ‘fix’ them.
Example of unhelpful behavior: After I disclosed my autism diagnosis to someone, they started fussing over me more than anyone else in the group and trying to help me out even though I felt capable of doing things on my own. This is an example of making assumptions and not asking what support they can offer.
How can autistic individuals find opportunities to make friends?
Finding opportunities to make friends can be challenging for anyone, but there are ways autistic individuals can proactively seek out connections:
Explore Shared Interests
- Join Clubs or Groups: Identify hobbies and passions and seek out clubs, groups, or online communities related to these interests.
- Attend Events: Participate in events or workshops related to your interests, providing opportunities to meet like-minded individuals.
- Volunteer: Find volunteer opportunities aligned with your passions, connecting with others while making a difference.
“I got involved in volunteering for some things related to a special interest and met a very dear friend there who’s also neurodivergent. Neither of us were diagnosed at the time.”
Seek Out Autistic Communities
- Online Forums and Support Groups: Engage in online forums or support groups specifically for autistic individuals.
- Local Autism Organizations: Connect with local autism organizations that host social events or activities for autistic individuals and their families.
Navigate Neurotypical Settings
- Structured Social Activities: Explore structured social activities with clear expectations and boundaries, such as board game nights, book clubs, or hobby groups.
- Communicate Your Needs: Don’t hesitate to communicate your needs and preferences to friends or potential friends.
- Practice Social Skills: While not about masking who you are, practicing specific social skills in safe and supportive environments can build confidence.
Tip: If you find one-on-one conversations too intense, try arranging an activity to try out with a friend. This way the attention is split between having a conversation and the activity. It also helps to give something to talk about.
Utilize Online Platforms
- Social Media Groups: Join social media groups related to your interests or specifically for autistic individuals.
- Online Gaming Communities: Participate in online gaming communities, finding connections through shared hobbies.
- Dating Apps: For those seeking romantic relationships, dating apps specifically designed for neurodivergent individuals can be a helpful resource.
Tip: Bumble has a BFF section which is similar to a dating app but for finding friends. You could put your interests in your bio and find people who want to do similar activities to you.
References
Black, M. H., Kuzminski, R., Wang, J., Ang, J., Lee, C., Hafidzuddin, S., & McGarry, S. (2024). Experiences of friendships for individuals on the autism spectrum: A scoping review. Review Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 11(1), 184-209. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40489-022-00332-8
Calder, L., Hill, V., & Pellicano, E. (2013). ‘Sometimes I want to play by myself’: Understanding what friendship means to children with autism in mainstream primary schools. Autism, 17(3), 296-316. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361312467866
Chan, D. V., Doran, J. D., & Galobardi, O. D. (2023). Beyond friendship: The spectrum of social participation of autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 53(1), 424-437. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-022-05441-1
Crompton, C. J., Hallett, S., Ropar, D., Flynn, E., & Fletcher-Watson, S. (2020). ‘I never realised everybody felt as happy as I do when I am around autistic people’: A thematic analysis of autistic adults’ relationships with autistic and neurotypical friends and family. Autism, 24(6), 1438-1448. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361320908976
Fox, L., Williams, R., & Asbury, K. (2024). Experiences of friendships among autistic children in UK schools: A qualitative meta-synthesis. Neurodiversity, 2, 27546330241272250. https://doi.org/10.1177/27546330241272250
Locke, J., Ishijima, E. H., Kasari, C., & London, N. (2010). Loneliness, friendship quality and the social networks of adolescents with high‐functioning autism in an inclusive school setting. Journal of research in special educational needs, 10(2), 74-81. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1471-3802.2010.01148.x
Płatos, M., & Pisula, E. (2021). Friendship understanding in males and females on the autism spectrum and their typically developing peers. Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders, 81, 101716. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.rasd.2020.101716
