Autistic people often form intense friendships characterized by deep emotional investment and frequent communication. These relationships typically develop from a genuine desire for meaningful social connections, with intensity arising from both the challenges and rewards of building successful friendships.
Friendships may be defined differently and look different to autistic people.
While making friends can be difficult for them, once a connection is established, their natural inclination toward authenticity and dedication can lead to particularly strong bonds.
These intense friendships often reflect their approach to relationships – preferring depth and sincerity over maintaining multiple casual connections.
Not every autistic person will have intense friendships as some may prefer to be “lower maintenance” with their connections.
Remember that every autistic person is different and in how they navigate friendships.
What causes intense autistic friendships?
Below are some of the possible reasons why autistic people may have intense friendships:
A Strong Desire for Connection
Many autistic people are motivated to have friendships and close relationships, just like their neurotypical peers. This desire for meaningful social connections can lead to a strong investment in their friendships.
They may have had difficulty making and maintaining friends in the past so when a friendship is going well, they may put in extra effort to keep things going, which might feel intense to others.
Being Authentic and Honest
Autistic people are often direct in their communication and value genuine connections.
This can lead to a preference for deeper, more authentic relationships over superficial ones, which can also contribute to the intensity of their friendships.
Loyalty and Dedication
Many autistic individuals are deeply loyal and dedicated friends. They invest time and effort into maintaining relationships and genuinely care about their friends’ well-being.
This strong sense of loyalty can manifest as intense engagement with their friends.
Shared Interests
Friendships for autistic people are often centered around shared interests, for example, video games and board games are very popular activities.
Their passion for these interests can be infectious, and engaging in these activities can be a primary way of bonding with their friends.
This can feel intense if an autistic person wants to talk about the shared interest for prolonged periods of time, repeatedly texts their friend with new information about the interest, and finds it hard to switch to another topic.
Reduced Social Anxiety
When interacting with someone they are comfortable with, autistic people may experience less social anxiety.
This is because there is less need to mask or camouflage autistic traits, which can allow for more genuine interactions and a sense of ease but may also make the friendship seem intense from the outside.
What are some potential challenges with intense friendships for autistic people?
Below are some potential challenges that can arise in intense friendships:
Potential for misunderstandings
Neurotypical individuals may misunderstand the desire for connection and dedicated loyalty of their autistic friend as clingy, as one person explains:
“Whenever I meet new people I want to be friends with, I feel it so intensely, and that reflects in my behavior and makes me appear overly intense and needy, almost to the point of appearing possessive.”
Difficulty with boundaries
The intense nature of the friendship might make it challenging to recognize and respect personal boundaries.
For example, there could be struggles with understanding when friends need space or time alone which might lead to crossing boundaries despite good intentions.
Friendship anxiety
Some autistic individuals may worry that their friends will get tired of them, which can lead to intense focus on the relationship.
For example, they may go above and beyond for their friends or people please as a way to avoid anything that could jeopardize the friendships which can be tiring and have the opposite effect on their friends who may feel the friend is being fake.
Difficulty with changes
Changes in friendships, such as disagreements, or reduced contact, may be very challenging for autistic individuals to navigate.
For example, if their friend goes traveling for a couple of weeks and they are unable to talk to or see each other, this could make an autistic person upset or feel lost.
It’s too much for the friend
The friend may have different expectations from the friendship with the autistic person. There may be differences in how much contact the friends desire from each other, which can become too overwhelming for the friend.
There may also be contrasting ideas of what the friendship is. The autistic person may consider the person their best friend while the other may believe they are only good acquaintances. This can lead to misunderstandings.
“I feel like in some cases I have more of a connection to a person than they have to me, and when I notice that (due to them making perfectly reasonable choices that indicate to me I’m not where I thought I was with them) I chalk it up to, well, yeah, why would they want to be my friend?”
The friendship could end
If the friendship feels too intense, the autistic person may unintentionally be pushing the other person away.
If the needs and expectations of the friends are not aligned, the friend may end the friendship.
Due to the intensity of the friendship, the autistic person may feel blindsighted and extremely hurt by this friendship ending, resulting in loneliness and trust issues in future friendships.
“…people take distance from me, and in the end I am left feeling rejected, worthless and miserable, as well as frustrated and upset with myself for not being able to just tone it down”
Vulnerability to exploitation
The combination of intense loyalty and potential difficulty reading social cues might make some autistic individuals vulnerable to one-sided friendships.
Others might take advantage of their dedication and willingness to help and it could result in behaviors such as bullying or financial abuse.
Autistic people may stay in unhealthy friendships longer due to developing a strong attachment and not wanting to be alone.
One person admits that because of being gaslit and manipulated in friendships in the past they “don’t know what healthy friendship looks like” and “I am unable to see red flag BS.”
How to manage the intensity of friendships as an autistic person
Below are some ways in which you can help to manage the intensity of your friendships. Keep in mind that friendships should be reciprocal, so the responsibility should not solely be on you to manage friendships.
Develop multiple interests and connections
Try to maintain several different friendships at a comfortable level so you are splitting your time between a few people rather than all your energy going onto one person.
Consider joining groups or clubs to meet people with shared interests or find other autistic people who are more likely to be understanding of your friendship needs and expectations.
Reciprocate your friend’s energy
Try to pay attention to how often your friend initiates contact or asks to meet up, then match it.
This can give you a good idea of how frequently they wish to communicate so you do not put in effort that is not reciprocated.
Notice if they seem enthusiastic or hesitant about making plans and look for signs that can indicate when they need space.
Establish clear communication patterns
Be upfront about your communication style and needs and ask your friends about their preferences.
This way, you can know what a good amount of contact is and what is too intense for your friend. Try to find a way to meet in the middle of your communication expectations so both of you are happy.
Seeks outside perspective
If you find it harder to identify your friend’s intentions and effort level, try asking someone you trust for their perspective on the situation.
Ask them to be honest with you if they think you are being intense or ask for guidance on how to lower this intensity.
Seeking an outsider’s perspective is also advised if you feel that your friends might be exploiting you for your kindness and loyalty.
