Autistic friendships may differ from neurotypical friendships in a way that may misunderstood by others.
While autistic individuals value similar qualities in friendships to neurotypical people, such as shared interests, trust, and loyalty, they may define and experience friendships differently than neurotypical individuals.
Autistic individuals may experience challenges in forming friendships due to social communication differences, sensory sensitivities, and the social demands of maintaining friendships.
However, autistic friendships can also be very rewarding, as autistic individuals often value authenticity, honesty, loyalty and bring unique perspectives and insights to their relationships.
How Autistic Individuals Define Friendship
Below are some of the ways that autistic people may define friendships. Keep in mind that not all autistic people are the same and each person has different definitions of friendship – these definitions are to be taken as general.
Shared interests
Autistic individuals may place more emphasis on shared interests and activities as a foundation for connection and less emphasis on emotional intimacy which may be more common in neurotypical friendships (although this is not to say autistic people can’t enjoy emotional intimacy too!).
For example, an autistic person may want to be friends with someone who shares a mutual interest in animals or playing video games so they can talk about, and engage in activities related to these interests together.
“Low maintenance” communication
Autistic people may also have different expectations around the frequency and intensity of communication with friends, with some preferring less frequent or less emotionally demanding interactions.
For example, neurotypical friends may have unspoken social rules and expectations about how much their friends should text or call, whereas autistic people may not see the need to talk so much or prefer to meet in person on occasion.
Being “low maintenance” shouldn’t be confused with being aloof although it can be interpreted that way by others.
Preference for structure
Structured social situations with clear expectations can be more comfortable for some autistic individuals compared to more unstructured social settings.
For example, a social gathering that has an undetermined start and finish, with an unknown number of guests, and in a new location may feel overwhelming to autistic people.
However, a familiar cafe or restaurant with a known menu and a pre-booked time slot may be preferable as a place to meet friends.
Companionship
Autistic individuals may value companionship in their friendships, often prioritizing this aspect over emotional intimacy and prolonged conversations.
For example, autistic people may enjoy “parallel play,” which is when friends spend time together doing separate mutually enjoyable activities, sometimes with minimal direct interaction but nevertheless enjoying the company of the other person.
“When people see our relationship from the outside they see our long silences as weird but I find them to be extremely comfortable and I don’t think I’ll ever find another friendship like it.”
Strengths of autistic friendships
There are several strengths autistic individuals can bring to friendships. These strengths often stem from the unique ways in which autistic individuals perceive and interact with the world.
While we have to remember each autistic person is different, these are some of the strengths that can be commonly observed in autistic individuals that make them good friends:
Authenticity and Honesty
Autistic individuals are often known for their authenticity and honesty, valuing genuine connections over superficial interactions.
They often communicate directly and say what they mean, creating a strong foundation of trust within friendships.
This honesty and directness can be incredibly refreshing for friends and help to avoid misinterpretations or misunderstandings.
“Being honest gets you the right friends. I bow to none. I make friends only with others who also bow to none. There have not been many, but they have all been extremely high quality.”
Loyalty and Dedication
Many autistic individuals are deeply loyal and dedicated friends. Once they form a bond, they are dependable, reliable, and genuinely care about the well-being of their friends.
They are willing to invest time and effort into maintaining the relationship. This strong sense of loyalty can make autistic individuals incredibly supportive and steadfast friends.
Passion and enthusiasm
Autistic individuals often excel at finding common ground and engaging in activities that both parties enjoy.
Their passion for their interests can be infectious and lead to enriching and engaging shared experiences.
The focus on shared interests can create a strong and intense bond and provide a foundation for regular interaction and connection.
Unique Perspectives and Insights
Autistic individuals often possess unique perspectives and insights that can broaden their friends’ horizons.
They may have different ways of seeing the world, problem-solving, or expressing themselves creatively, enriching the lives of those around them.
This can lead to stimulating conversations and introduce friends to new ideas and ways of thinking.
Do autistic people prefer being friends with other autistic people?
“All of my friends are neurodivergent. Not on purpose, it’s just that neurotypical people and I never seem to properly click.”
Although autistic people can of course be friends with people who are not autistic, many find it easier to be friends with other autistic or neurodivergent individuals.
This is often attributed to a sense of shared understanding and reduced social pressure.
Autistic individuals may feel more comfortable and accepted in these friendships, as they don’t have to mask or camouflage their autistic traits.
They can be their authentic selves and communicate in ways that feel natural and less demanding.
The “double empathy problem” suggests there may be a mutual difficulty in understanding between autistic and neurotypical people, making autistic-autistic friendships more comfortable for some.
Activities often enjoyed in autistic friendships
It is important to remember that every autistic individual is unique, and preferences for friendship activities will vary. Some autistic individuals may enjoy more social or spontaneous activities, while others may prefer solitary or structured pursuits.
Below are some general examples of activities that can be enjoyable to autistic people:
- Playing games: Video games, board games, and tabletop role-playing games (TTRPGs) are frequently cited as preferred activities, offering structure, clear rules, and a shared focus of attention.
- Engaging in hobbies: Autistic individuals may also enjoy spending time with friends pursuing hobbies like collecting, crafting, or building, allowing for parallel play and shared enjoyment without constant direct interaction.
- Attending events related to special interests: Going to concerts, conventions, or exhibitions related to shared passions can provide a structured social experience with a clear focus and opportunities for connection with like-minded individuals.
- Joining clubs or groups: Participating in clubs or groups dedicated to specific interests offers regular opportunities for interaction and connection around a shared passion.
- Parallel play: Engaging in activities alongside each other without constant direct interaction, such as playing video games or working on separate projects in the same space, can be a fulfilling form of social connection for autistic individuals.
- Online interactions: Connecting through online platforms, such as video games, social media, or online communities, allows for communication on one’s own terms and can reduce the pressure of face-to-face interaction or phone calls.
- Predictable environments: Many autistic individuals prefer activities that offer structure and predictability, reducing the anxiety and uncertainty that can arise in unstructured social settings.
Masking in autistic friendships
Masking, or camouflaging autistic traits to conform to neurotypical social norms, can have a significant impact on autistic friendships.
While masking can sometimes help autistic individuals navigate social situations and form initial connections, it often comes at a cost, creating barriers to genuine connection and may result in losing friendships.
Here’s how masking can negatively impact autistic friendships:
- Hinders Authentic Expression: When constantly masking, autistic individuals are essentially presenting a carefully constructed version of themselves, suppressing their natural communication styles, interests, and behaviors. This can lead to feelings of inauthenticity and prevent their friends from getting to know the “real” person behind the mask.
- Leads to Exhaustion and Burnout: The effort required to mask can be extremely draining, leading to exhaustion, anxiety, and even autistic burnout. This emotional toll can make it difficult to maintain friendships, as autistic individuals may need to withdraw or isolate themselves to recover.
- Limits Closeness and Intimacy: By hiding their true selves, autistic individuals may struggle to achieve the level of intimacy and understanding they desire in their friendships. This can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation, even within established friendships.
- Creates a Power Imbalance: The expectation to mask often places the burden of social adaptation solely on the autistic individual, creating an imbalance in the relationship. This can lead to resentment and frustration, as the autistic person may feel like they are constantly having to perform or adjust themselves to meet their friend’s expectations.
How you can help your autistic friend feel comfortable
Neurotypical friends can play a vital role in helping their autistic friends feel comfortable enough to unmask and be their authentic selves.
Creating a safe and accepting environment where autistic traits are understood and valued is key to fostering genuine connections and building stronger, more fulfilling friendships.
Here are some specific things neurotypical friends can do:
Educate Yourself About Autism
Learn about autism from reputable sources led by autistic individuals.
Understanding the diverse ways autism can manifest will help you to better understand your friend’s experiences and challenges.
This also involves challenging your own biases and preconceptions about autism.
Communicate Clearly and Directly
Autistic individuals often appreciate clear, direct communication that minimizes the need for social interpretation.
Avoid using sarcasm or idioms, and be mindful of your non-verbal communication, as autistic individuals may interpret these differently than intended.
Ask About and Show Genuine Interest in Special Interests
One of the most powerful ways to connect with an autistic friend is to show genuine interest in their passions.
Ask questions about their special interests, listen attentively when they talk about them, and even try to engage in activities related to those interests if you feel comfortable doing so.
Respect Personal Boundaries and Sensory Needs
Autistic individuals may have different sensory sensitivities and social energy levels than neurotypical people.
Be mindful of these differences and respect their need for personal space, quiet time, or breaks from social interaction.
Offer Support Without Being Patronising
Be mindful of the language you use and avoid making assumptions about your friend’s abilities or needs.
Ask how you can best support them in specific situations and be willing to listen and learn from their experiences.
Patient and Understanding
Unmasking can be a gradual process, and your friend may not feel comfortable doing so immediately.
Be patient and understanding, and reassure them that you value their friendship and accept them for who they are.
By creating a culture of acceptance and understanding, neurotypical friends can help their autistic friends to feel safe and supported to be their authentic selves. This authenticity is the foundation for building stronger, more fulfilling friendships that benefit both individuals.
