Autistic and ADHD individuals often form strong friendships, with many reporting a natural attraction between these neurodivergent groups.
This connection stands in stark contrast to the challenges they may face when trying to build relationships with neurotypical peers.
While autistic and ADHD people can struggle with social norms, unspoken rules, and communication styles typical in mainstream society, they often find a sense of ease and understanding with each other.
Both autistic and people with ADHD often report struggling with maintaining friendships and might find they lose friends more often than neurotypical individuals due to differences in their friendship needs and expectations.
As an autistic person myself, when I reflect on my friendships, I realize that most of my most authentic friendships were with people who have ADHD (or suspected ADHD.)
The autistic-ADHD friendship dynamic is often reported by neurodivergent individuals in online discussions.
This article will discuss some of the possible reasons why these groups tend to get along so well (most of the time!)
Why do autistic and ADHD individuals make good friends with each other?
Below are some of the reasons why autistic and ADHD people can make good friends:
Shared communication style
While both groups may experience social difficulties with neurotypical individuals, they often find it much easier to connect with each other.
Personally, I feel less pressure with neurodivergent individuals to get the conversation “right.” Neurotypical individuals often expect some small talk and might not always say what they mean which can feel like navigating a minefield.
Both autistic and ADHD individuals often value direct and honest communication. This style of communicating may be misinterpreted as blunt or rude to others but is appreciated by autistic and ADHD individuals.
They also tend to prefer in-depth conversations about specific topics of interest which might come across as intense to others, but engaging and meaningful to neurodivergent individuals.
Mutual understanding of neurodivergence
Shared neurodivergence can lead to a strong sense of understanding and empathy between autistic and ADHD individuals.
One individual noted, “When we have friends that KNOW what we’ve been through and especially the ones who are going through this journey together it gets much easier to make friends”.
This mutual recognition of shared experiences creates a bond that can be difficult to find with neurotypical individuals.
Similar challenges with executive function can also foster understanding and reduce judgment between individuals with autism and ADHD.
My friend with ADHD understands that I struggle with eye contact so she makes sure not to give intense eye contact to ensure my comfort.
Also, we both enjoy “no talking time” when hanging out for long periods to recharge our social batteries.
Complementary traits
Some autistic individuals may find that the energy and enthusiasm of individuals with ADHD can be a good match.
One person noted, “ADHD ‘energy’ and vibe, I think brings out my best self.”
I am a quiet person and I find it hard to connect with other quiet people, but I get on very well with people with ADHD since they tend to be good at talking and I am good at listening so this dynamic works well.
Individuals with ADHD often have a wide array of interests, which can make them compatible with autistic individuals who tend to have a few highly focused interests.
This allows for shared passions and engagement in a variety of activities.
Likewise, planning activities can use the strengths of both parties.
Friends with ADHD may have lots of fun ideas for activities while autistic people can be good at planning out the logistics of making these ideas happen.
Higher authenticity
Autistic individuals may feel less pressure to mask or camouflage their autistic traits around other neurodivergent individuals, including those with ADHD.
This allows them to be their “authentic self” and can be a source of comfort and relaxation.
“You can let your guard down, you can let your mask down. You don’t have to be a certain way with them, because they totally get it.”
For me, I often sense a specific energy around people with ADHD that makes me feel safe and accepted and they bring out a side of me that I don’t feel comfortable showing others.
A sense of acceptance from a friend or peer who is also neurodivergent can greatly benefit an individual’s sense of well-being.
Shared interests
Autistic individuals may prefer friendships where there is less emphasis on emotional sharing and more on doing things together, while people with ADHD may have more diverse interests, which allows them to connect on shared activities.
My ADHD friends often want to try out a variety of activities together which I am happy to do because it means that they get to try out something new, and for me, there is less pressure to make conversation if we are focused on something else.
Can autistic and ADHD individuals clash?
Yes, autistic and ADHD individuals can clash, despite the frequent observation of successful friendships between the two groups.
While shared experiences and communication styles can foster understanding and connection, significant individual differences and potential incompatibilities can also lead to conflict.
There are several reasons why clashes might occur:
Conflicting Sensory Needs
Both autism and ADHD can involve sensory sensitivities, but these sensitivities may differ significantly between individuals.
A clash could occur if one individual’s sensory needs are incompatible with or negatively affected by the other’s behavior or environment.
For example, one person may prefer having bright lights and music playing when socializing with a friend at home, whereas the other friend might find this overstimulating.
Communication Style Differences
Although both groups may prefer direct communication, their preferred styles may differ.
One individual might be overly verbose or detail-oriented, while the other may struggle with sustained attention or processing lengthy explanations. This can lead to miscommunication and frustration.
Differing Social Needs and Expectations
While both groups may value friendships, their needs and expectations might diverge. One individual might crave frequent interaction, while the other requires more alone time.
These differing needs can create conflict, especially if not clearly communicated and understood.
“My friend with ADHD tends to respond to my texts straight away whereas I find it too overwhelming to talk that frequently so I can take hours to respond. I worry that makes me look disinterested in our friendship.”
Executive Dysfunction
While shared executive function challenges can promote empathy, differences in the nature and severity of these challenges might cause friction.
One individual might be more organized or better at managing tasks, leading to imbalances and conflict.
“I (autistic) had a friend with ADHD who kept canceling our plans last minute or postponing them because she was running late. This always annoyed me because I would have already meticulously planned out my whole day around our plans and now I’d have to change everything.”
Intense Interests
Although shared interests can be beneficial, the intensity of these interests can also differ significantly.
One individual’s intense focus on a particular subject might be perceived as overwhelming or insensitive by the other.
Individual Personalities
Ultimately, the success of any friendship depends on individual personalities. The fact that two people share a neurodevelopmental condition does not guarantee compatibility.
Generalizations about groups should not be applied to individuals.
Supporting autistic-ADHD friendships
To avoid clashes between autistic and ADHD individuals, it’s essential to understand and respect their differing communication styles, sensory needs, and social preferences, and to create a friendship dynamic that embraces neurodiversity.
Below are some general tips to keep in mind to support your autistic-adhd bond:
- Topic-Focused Interactions: Engage in conversations focused on specific topics or interests rather than small talk or open-ended conversations.
- Communicate Needs Clearly: Express your needs and preferences directly and encourage your friend to do the same. For example, if you need a break from social interaction or are feeling overwhelmed by sensory input, communicate this clearly.
- Structured Social Time: Create structured social situations centered around shared interests and activities. This helps to minimize the potential for miscommunication or sensory overload. Plan specific activities rather than just “hanging out.”
- Respect the Need for Solitude: Understand and respect each other’s need for alone time to recharge. This is particularly important for autistic individuals who may experience social interactions as draining.
- Honest Feedback: When conflicts or misunderstandings arise, address them openly and honestly, focusing on the specific behaviors and communication styles rather than character.
- Avoid Assumptions: Do not make assumptions about your friend’s intent or motives. Seek clarification before reacting to perceived slights. Try to understand the context and intention behind your friend’s words or actions.
- Compromise: Be willing to compromise and adapt, recognizing that you both have different needs and preferences.
References
Black, M. H., Kuzminski, R., Wang, J., Ang, J., Lee, C., Hafidzuddin, S., & McGarry, S. (2024). Experiences of friendships for individuals on the autism spectrum: A scoping review. Review Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 11(1), 184-209. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40489-022-00332-8
Chan, D. V., Doran, J. D., & Galobardi, O. D. (2023). Beyond friendship: The spectrum of social participation of autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 53(1), 424-437. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-022-05441-1
Płatos, M., & Pisula, E. (2021). Friendship understanding in males and females on the autism spectrum and their typically developing peers. Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders, 81, 101716. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.rasd.2020.101716
