While autistic people can make and maintain healthy friendships with others, many autistic people report that they have had bad experiences with toxic friends.
It’s not that autistic people are inherently more prone to befriending “bad” people, but rather that they may have difficulty recognizing red flags in potential friendships.
This can include missing early warning signs that someone is only interested in talking about themselves, or using the autistic person to “stroke their ego”.
Unfortunately, toxic friendships can lead to significant negative consequences for autistic individuals, including increased feelings of loneliness and isolation, trust issues, and low self-esteem.
This article will discuss reasons why autistic people may be vulnerable to toxic people, how to recognize the signs of a toxic friend, and what you can do if you think your friendship is toxic.
It is important to remember that anyone can end up in a toxic friendship and that having autism does not make someone more vulnerable to this.
Why do autistic people end up in toxic friendships?
Autistic individuals may find themselves in toxic friendships due to a variety of factors related to social interaction, communication, and differences in how they perceive and experience relationships:
Difficulties Interpreting Social Cues:
Autistic people may struggle to understand the subtle nuances of social interactions, which can make it harder to recognize manipulative or insincere behavior.
They might have trouble picking up on sarcasm, insincerity, or unspoken social rules. For example, they may not recognize when someone is subtly bullying, making fun of them, or being passive-aggressive.
This difficulty in interpreting social cues can lead to them being more easily manipulated.
Literal Interpretation
Autistic people often take things literally, so they might not understand when someone is being dishonest or insincere.
They may believe what someone says at face value, even if their actions suggest otherwise. This can make them vulnerable to people who might say one thing but mean another.
A friend might sarcastically say “Oh, that’s a GREAT idea” when they actually think it’s terrible, leaving the autistic person to believe their idea was genuinely praised.
Desire for Connection and Acceptance
Autistic individuals often have a strong desire for friendship and social connection, which can make them more vulnerable to manipulation.
They may be so eager to make friends that they ignore warning signs or settle for less-than-ideal friendships.
Some might have a tendency to assume the best in people, overlooking the possibility of malicious intent.
A history of social exclusion and bullying can make some more desperate for any form of social acceptance.
Differences in Social Expectations and Understanding
Autistic individuals may focus more on shared activities or interests rather than emotional intimacy, which may cause them to miss or ignore the signs of an imbalanced friendship.
This can lead to situations where they do not realize that a friendship is not reciprocal or is, in fact, toxic.
For example, an autistic person might happily spend time with a friend playing video games every week, not realizing that the friend only sees them as a convenient gaming partner and doesn’t care about their feelings or experiences outside of that activity.
Camouflaging/Masking
Autistic people may try to mask or camouflage their autistic traits to fit in, which can lead to less genuine connections.
When an autistic person is not being themselves they are more likely to attract people who are interested in the persona, rather than who they truly are. This can create friendships based on a false premise.
For example, an autistic person may mask by people-pleasing such as agreeing with every opinion their friend has.
Their friend may then only enjoy spending time with the autistic person because they never challenge them, taking advantage of their accommodating nature to boost their own ego and avoid any meaningful conversation or genuine connection.
Increased Vulnerability to Exploitation
Autistic individuals often face a heightened risk of exploitation due to factors like their trusting nature and potential difficulties with social nuance.
For example, an autistic person who is eager to make friends may befriend someone who seems initially kind and supportive.
This “friend” might then start taking advantage of the autistic person’s generosity, perhaps by constantly borrowing money without ever repaying it, or by relying on them for rides and other favors without reciprocating.
The autistic person, valuing the friendship and perhaps struggling to recognize the manipulative behavior, might continue to be exploited, leading to financial loss, emotional distress, and a sense of betrayal.
Red flags of toxic friends
If you are not sure if your friend is being toxic, below are some examples of how this may present:
- One-Sided Conversations: They dominate conversations, interrupt you, and always bring the topic back to themselves. For example, you start telling them about your new special interest, and they immediately cut you off to talk about their day.
- Dismissing Your Feelings: They minimize or invalidate your emotions. For example, you tell them you’re feeling anxious about a presentation, and they say, “Just relax, it’s no big deal.”
- Manipulation: They use guilt, threats, or your vulnerabilities to get their way. For example, they say, “If you were a real friend, you’d go to the party with me.”
- Constant Criticism: They frequently put you down or make negative comments about your appearance, interests, or choices. For example, they say, “That shirt looks weird on you.”
- Boundary Violations: They ignore your requests for space or privacy. For example, you tell them you need some time alone, and they keep texting and calling.
- Unreliability: They break promises, cancel plans last minute, or are generally not dependable. For example, they promise to help you with a project and then don’t show up.
- Inconsistent Behavior: Their mood and attitude towards you change drastically without clear reason. For example, one day they’re your best friend, and the next day they ignore you completely.
- Isolation: They try to separate you from other friends and family. For example, they make negative comments about your other friends to discourage you from spending time with them.
- Taking Advantage: They only contact you when they need something and don’t offer support in return. For example, they constantly ask for favors but never reciprocate.
- Making You Feel Bad: You consistently feel drained, anxious, or insecure after spending time with them. For example, you leave their house feeling worse about yourself than when you arrived.
It’s important to note that intent is important when it comes to these signs. Sometimes friends make mistakes and do not intend to be hurtful.
For example, if your friend interrupts you during a conversation, this itself may not indicate that they are a bad friend. It might be that they were simply excited to share something with you. However, if this is a recurring issue and they never apologize for their behavior, it can become an issue.
What to do if you suspect a friend is toxic
It’s crucial to prioritize your well-being if you suspect a friend is toxic. Here’s a detailed guide to help you navigate this situation:
1. Trust Your Gut
Pay close attention to how you feel after spending time with this friend. Do you consistently feel drained, anxious, or uncomfortable? These feelings are important signals that something might not be right.
Don’t dismiss your intuition; it’s often trying to tell you something important. If a friendship consistently leaves you feeling worse than before you interacted with that person, it’s worth examining the relationship more closely.
2. Identify Red Flags
Review the list of red flags we discussed earlier. Does your friend display these behaviors regularly?
Reflect on specific instances where you felt uncomfortable, manipulated, or disrespected.
- Action Step: Keep a journal or log of your interactions with this friend. Write down specific examples of their behavior and how it made you feel. This can help you spot patterns and validate your feelings. For instance, you could write, “Today, [friend’s name] interrupted me three times while I was talking about [topic]. It made me feel frustrated and unimportant.”
3. Seek Outside Perspective
It can be helpful to talk to someone you trust about your concerns. This could be a family member, a therapist, a teacher, or another friend.
They can offer an objective viewpoint and provide you with support. Sometimes, it’s easier for someone outside the situation to recognize unhealthy patterns.
- Action Step: Before talking to your trusted person, write down what you want to share with them. This can help you organize your thoughts and clearly express your feelings. For example, you might write down: “When [friend’s name] did [specific action], I felt [your feelings].”
4. Communicate Clearly
Express your concerns to your friend directly, using clear and straightforward language. Autistic people often value direct communication, and it can be the most effective way to address issues in a friendship.
- Example: “I feel uncomfortable when you make comments about my clothes. I like what I wear, and I need you to respect my choices.”
- Example: “I’ve noticed you often talk about yourself. I value our friendship, and I’d like to share more about my life too. Could we try to have a more balanced conversation?”
5. Maintain Benefit of the Doubt
When addressing concerns, it’s often helpful to start by assuming good intent. It’s possible your friend is unaware of how their actions affect you.
Giving them the benefit of the doubt can open the door for a productive conversation.
- Example: “I’ve noticed that you often cancel plans at the last minute. This makes it difficult for me to rely on you. Is there something going on that I should be aware of?”
If they continue to show signs of toxicity after communicating to them, then this is where further action should take place.
6. Set and Enforce Boundaries
Clearly communicate your needs and boundaries. This might involve telling your friend what you’re comfortable talking about, how often you want to spend time together, or what behaviors you find unacceptable.
If your friend continues to disregard your boundaries, you might need to create some distance or end the friendship.
- Example: “I need some time to myself right now. I’ll reach out when I’m ready to talk.”
- Example: “I’m not comfortable with physical touch. Please respect my personal space.”
7. Prioritize Self-Care
Engage in activities that help you manage stress and anxiety. This could include spending time in nature, pursuing your special interests, listening to music, practicing mindfulness, or engaging in any other activity that helps you relax and recharge.
Taking care of your emotional well-being is essential, especially when dealing with challenging social situations.
8. Build a Supportive Network
Surround yourself with people who are accepting, respectful, and supportive of your needs. These are the people who make you feel good about yourself and who appreciate you for who you are.
Nurture these relationships and invest your time and energy in them.
9. Learn About Healthy Relationships
Read books, articles, or seek therapy to learn more about healthy relationship dynamics. This can help you identify red flags, understand your own needs, and build stronger, more fulfilling connections.
Understanding what constitutes a healthy relationship can help you recognize when a friendship is not serving you well.
Remember, you deserve friendships that are mutually respectful, supportive, and genuine. Don’t be afraid to prioritize your well-being and seek out connections that bring you joy and fulfillment.
