A Guide To Non-Negotiables In A Relationship

Non-negotiables are things that are not open for debate or modification in your relationships – romantic or otherwise.

They are the things you’re unwilling to negotiate about yourself and your life.

They range from behaviors you won’t tolerate (such as abuse) to how you want to live your life (like owning a pet and getting married).  

Many things in relationships are negotiable and it’s healthy to be open and compromise on some matters.

However, to protect yourself, your identity, and your happiness, you must establish your non-negotiables in relationships.

If you don’t know what your non-negotiables are, you may end up feeling lost, stagnant, depressed, anxious, or empty.

You might turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms or find yourself in an abusive relationship. 

What those non-negotiables are will vary from person to person but there are some common non-negotiables that are accepted by most people.

Common non-negotiables

1. Mutual Respect: respectful communication and conduct are crucial for effective problem-solving as well as the health and long-term happiness of the relationship. Respect also includes accepting differences, not trying to change or control the other person, and not criticizing or judging the other person harshly.
2. Trust: trusting that your partner has your best interest at heart, is loyal to you, and will be there when you need them, is fundamental to a healthy relationship. Trust issues are common, however, and trusting each other doesn’t come easily to everyone. But without it, there will be constant conflict and instability. The relationship can’t thrive and will constantly feel difficult.
3. Fidelity: cheating is a deal breaker for many people. Being faithful to your partner sexually, romantically, and emotionally is therefore a common non-negotiable.
4. Honest communication: being able to honestly and openly express feelings, thoughts, desires, and needs to your partner is a non-negotiable for many people. It builds trust, nurtures emotional intimacy, and makes resolving conflicts easier.
5. Commitment: being committed to the relationship means more than not cheating – it also means putting effort into maintaining and nurturing the relationship, making future plans together, and building a life as a team. This is non-negotiable for many people.
6. Similar goals/dreams: while everyone has their own goals and dreams for the future, couples whose goals align will likely last longer. For example, if one person wants to get married and settle down and the other person wants to travel the world, it will be difficult to make that work. Therefore, being aligned on how you see your future is a common non-negotiable.
7. Aligned values: many people want to be in relationships with people who share similar political, religious, and lifestyle values. Even if they’re not totally aligned, it’s nonetheless essential that both partners respect each other’s values.

What do experts say about non-negotiables?

• Psychologist Dr John Gottmann, known for his “Four Horsemen” theory, emphasizes open communication, paying each other attention, and responding to bids for love as antidotes for criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling (the “four horsemen” or destroyers of relationships).
• Relationship coach Marisa Peer highlights the importance of maintaining individual identities within a relationship, arguing that personal growth and independence are non-negotiable for long-term relationship satisfaction.
• Relationship expert Esther Perel talks about the importance of couples creating an emotionally safe space to give each other the time and attention to express feelings and needs openly and without negative consequences.
• Clinical psychologist Dr Sue Johnson, known for Emotionally Focused Therapy, highlights the importance of responding to each other’s calls for emotional support when you’re in pain or afraid. She says, “Love is all about being A.R.E. – emotionally accessible, emotionally responsive, and engaged.” 
• Dr. Gary Chapman, author of “The 5 Love Languages,” stresses the importance of understanding and respecting each partner’s primary love language as a non-negotiable aspect of maintaining a healthy relationship.

Personal non-negotiables

While everyone should adopt the common non-negotiables, it’s also important to decide on your personal ones as these will ultimately strengthen your self-worth and direction in life and relationships.

I spoke to a few people about their non-negotiables. Aside from the common ones, these were some of the things they mentioned:

“I can’t be with someone who takes drugs or smokes.”

“Financial responsibility is a big one for me. If she’s always broke or in debt, that’s a red flag I won’t ignore.”

“Marriage. If we’ve been going out for years and you still don’t want to marry me, we should break up – what’s the point?”

“Respectful communication is non-negotiable. If you shout at me, I’m leaving.”

“Doing things together like exercising, going for walks, talking, and doing fun activities is a must. That’s what a relationship is all about – having someone to do stuff with.”

“I know it’s controversial to say but he has to be taller than me. It’s non-negotiable for me.”

“I want to feel like I can be myself around that person. I want to be silly and say weird things without feeling judged.”

“He has to believe in God. It would also be nice if he went to church and prayed with me but at the very least, he should accept my need to do those things.”

“I put a lot of value on the little things like acts of kindness and gratitude. We should be lifting each other up and be like each other’s cheerleaders.”

Establishing your non-negotiables

Identifying your non-negotiables involves contemplating what your values are (what’s important to you in life) and what your boundaries are (e.g., “If you shout, I will leave”).

Remember that non-negotiables are about self-protection – protecting your identity, passions, truth, worth, and hopes/plans for the future.

A helpful question to ask yourself is: have you ever given up on your identity, passions, truth, worth, or hopes/plans for the future for the sake of someone else?

For example, have you turned down an exciting job opportunity because you felt your partner wouldn’t approve?

Or have you tolerated abusive behavior because you love someone? Maybe you’ve hidden parts of yourself because you worry about how other people will react.

What were the consequences of making these sacrifices? How did it affect your life and how you feel about yourself?

The things that came up for you might be a good place to start. So, if, for example, you felt you had to hide parts of yourself in the past and that had a negative impact on you, a non-negotiable could be “I have to feel able to be myself around my partner/friends/family”

Some other questions to consider when establishing your non-negotiables include:

• What was missing in your previous relationships that you would now insist on?
• What makes you feel emotionally/physically safe in a relationship?
• What are the elements of a healthy relationship for you? E.g., patience, teamwork, emotional support, etc.
• What would make you leave a relationship?
• What are your beliefs around children, marriage, lifestyle, pets, etc?
• What are your values i.e., what’s important to you in your life? E.g., creative expression, earning a lot of money, owning five houses, saving abandoned animals
• What are your career aspirations?
• What do you want to do with your life?

Naturally, some of your non-negotiables can change over time as your priorities and desires shift. For example, your non-negotiables in your early 20s will likely be quite different from those in your 30s.

Therefore, it’s good to continue reflecting and remain flexible as you move through life and different relationships.

Communicating your non-negotiables

Identifying your non-negotiables is the first step – the second, and most important step, is to ensure they’re respected – by you and others.

Of course, it’s preferable to discuss and insist on your non-negotiables at the beginning of a relationship.

That way you’re more likely to be aware of any deal breakers early on and can hopefully prevent potentially harmful relationships.

If you’re already in a relationship, you can still identify and enforce your non-negotiables, but it might be more challenging. As the clinical psychologist Mariah Beltran put it:

“Often times when we think about what we need in a relationship when we are actively in a relationship, we tend to structure our relationship non-negotiables within the framework of our existing relationship. Which means, we may put the relationship first when creating them, and not ourselves.”

Therefore, whether you’re in a relationship or not, it’s important to be true to yourself when it comes to non-negotiables.

Enforcing your non-negotiables

Enforcing your non-negotiables is much like setting and maintaining boundaries:

1. Establish what they are e.g., “Don’t shout at me
2. Communicate them respectfully e.g., “I really didn’t like it when you shouted at me yesterday. Please never do that again otherwise I’ll leave”
3. Explain why it’s non-negotiable (if necessary), e.g., “I think couples who do things together, stay together that’s why it’s so important for us to go out and have fun”
4. Give them the freedom to say no – in some cases, your non-negotiable might be incompatible with theirs and you might have to accept that. For example, if you want to get married, but your partner doesn’t believe in marriage.
5. Listen to your partner’s non-negotiables with understanding. If you want them to respect yours, you also have to respect and honor theirs. It’s unfair to expect your partner to compromise on their non-negotiables.
6. Stick up for your non-negotiables, e.g., if they do shout at you again, do what you said you would and leave. Otherwise, they won’t take your non-negotiable seriously.

Remember that if you give up too much of yourself, you may end up feeling resentful, angry, and lost, which isn’t conducive to leading a healthy relationship.

Therefore, enforcing your non-negotiables supports your well-being as well as the health of your relationship.

Healthy vs unhealthy non-negotiables

Some non-negotiables, such as honesty and respect, are healthy and necessary while others, such as absolute control over another person’s life, are unhealthy and even toxic.

It’s entirely reasonable to want a partner who doesn’t take drugs or is financially responsible. It’s not reasonable to expect your partner to give up their friends and family to please you.

These are often control tactics disguised as non-negotiables or boundaries. Other examples include

• Expecting someone to change fundamental aspects of who they are like their personality, hobbies, or certain lifestyle choices
• Demanding complete access to their personal accounts
• Wanting complete control over finances

Unhealthy non-negotiables stem from insecurity and the need for control. They can damage the other person’s self-esteem and well-being and lead to resentment and a breakdown of trust and intimacy.

So while it’s important to be flexible and compromise on certain matters in your relationship, your partner’s non-negotiables should not be a threat to your freedom and health.

What should you do if your non-negotiables conflict with your partners?

What you should do if your non-negotiables conflict with your partners depends on what the specific non-negotiable is.

As already discussed, certain non-negotiables can’t (or shouldn’t) be compromised on such as respect, honesty, and trust.

If your partner wants to monitor your online activity or control your finances, you should keep in mind that this is controlling and unhealthy behavior. So for the sake of your safety and well-being, you should not compromise on these either.

When it comes to things that are personal preferences such as marriage, having children or pets, travel, love languages, etc. there might be room for compromise.

However, you should not give up on the things that are important to your sense of self and quality of life.

So, if you want to have children but your partner doesn’t then it might be better for both of you to find partners who want the same things as you.

The bottom line

Non-negotiables are essential to your well-being and growth as they reflect your core values, priorities, and emotional needs. Healthy non-negotiables are fundamental to building a lasting and harmonious relationship as they nurture trust, mutual respect, and emotional safety.

While relationships are about compromise and openness, you should never have to give up your identity, truth, autonomy, or interests for someone else.