What To Do If You Don’t Trust Your Boyfriend

Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship, and although it’s delicate and can easily be damaged, trust can be rebuilt with self-awareness, open communication, and a willingness to heal together. 

By addressing the root causes of distrust, cultivating vulnerability, and engaging in trust-building exercises, couples can strengthen their bond and create a more secure, fulfilling relationship. 

Healing trust is a journey, but with patience and effort, it’s possible to move forward and grow stronger together – let’s explore some ways how.

How to Trust a Boyfriend Again Who Has Cheated

Rebuilding trust after infidelity is often more challenging than after lying, but it can be possible if both partners are committed to the process.

Remember to be realistic, trust rebuilding is a gradual process that can take months or even years.

Here are some steps that may help:

1. Decide if you want to continue the relationship: This is a personal decision only you can make. Deciding to continue the relationship involves carefully weighing the positives and negatives, considering your feelings, values, and long-term happiness to determine if rebuilding is truly what you want.
2. Ensure the affair has ended: Your boyfriend must cut all ties with the person they cheated with, including blocking them on social media and deleting their contact information.
3. Understand why it happened: Explore the underlying reasons for the cheating, like communication problems, unmet needs, or personal insecurities that may have contributed to the infidelity. Rather than dwelling on specific details, Esther Perel encourages couples to discuss the meaning behind the infidelity and its impact on the relationship.
4. Establish new boundaries: Discuss and agree on new relationship boundaries that make you feel secure. Include agreements about interactions with opposite-sex friends, social media use, or how to handle situations that might trigger insecurity or jealousy.
5. Focus on rebuilding intimacy: Work on emotional connection through quality time, deep conversations, and shared experiences before re-establishing physical intimacy.
6. Watch for consistent behavior: Your boyfriend’s actions should consistently demonstrate commitment and remorse.
7. Work on forgiveness: This doesn’t mean forgetting, but rather choosing to move forward without resentment. Forgiveness is a personal journey where you choose to let go of resentment and anger, not for your boyfriend’s sake, but for your own emotional well-being and the future of the relationship.

Radical Transparency

Finding out your boyfriend cheated is incredibly painful. I want to share some advice from relationship expert Esther Perel that might help you navigate this situation.

Perel talks about something called “radical transparency.” Basically, it means your boyfriend needs to be completely honest with you about what happened.

Radical transparency involves full disclosure of relevant information, thoughts, and feelings, while balancing the need for truth with sensitivity to avoid unnecessary harm.

If you ask him questions, he should answer them truthfully, even if it’s uncomfortable for him.

He shouldn’t hide information or only tell you part of the story. If there’s important stuff you haven’t asked about, he should volunteer that information too.

But here’s the tricky part – while honesty is super important, Perel says you also need to be careful about hearing too many hurtful details. Some information might be so painful that it makes it really hard for you to move forward.

So it’s about finding a balance between knowing enough to understand what happened, and not knowing so much that you’re overwhelmed.

This honesty isn’t just a one-time thing. It’s about building a habit of openness in your relationship going forward. Your boyfriend should be willing to talk about his feelings and why this happened, not just the facts of what went down.

Perel suggests focusing more on understanding why the cheating happened and how it affected both of you, rather than getting hung up on every little detail.

She also says this process of opening up should happen gradually, based on when you feel ready to hear more, not all at once.

The goal here is to find a middle ground where you can heal and maybe rebuild trust, without causing more hurt. It’s a really delicate process, and Perel often suggests couples work with a therapist to help guide them through it.

Remember, while radical transparency is a tool for healing, it’s not a guarantee. It’s just one part of the complex process of rebuilding after infidelity.

How you use this information and whether you choose to continue the relationship is entirely up to you.

How To trust my boyfriend when he’s done nothing wrong

If you sense that some of your difficulties with trust come from your own past experiences, you might wonder how to overcome these deeply rooted feelings of distrust.

The first step is always self-awareness and acknowledging that the reasons you don’t trust your boyfriend have to do with your past. So while your boyfriend’s behavior will have an impact, the work that needs to be done is within you.

It’s not about blame but about taking responsibility for your happiness and understanding that you can’t control others. You can only learn to control your own reactions and behaviors. 

Self-reflection

Start by examining the root causes of your trust issues. Understanding the origins of your trust issues can be a crucial first step in the healing process.

Reflect on your past experiences, including any betrayals or traumas that may have contributed to your lack of trust. What events or relationships have made you wary of trusting others? What specific experiences made you feel betrayed, hurt, or unsafe? 

Observe and challenge any unhelpful thoughts that occur when you feel distrustful. Ask yourself if there is any evidence to support your thoughts. Are you making assumptions about your partner? Are you catastrophizing? 

Begin by recognizing some of your relationship patterns. Journalling and mindfulness are helpful tools to help you identify triggers and repetitive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. You could ask yourself:

• Do you spend a lot of time thinking or ruminating about scenarios involving breaches of trust?
• Does the thought of him leaving/ finding someone else play on your mind a lot?
• What are things others do that make you feel jealous or distrustful? Why do you think that might be?
• How do you feel and react when you experience suspicion or distrust?
• Do you tend to date men with similar characteristics? For example, men with an avoidant attachment style?

Self-compassion

Remind yourself that your fears and insecurities are understandable given your past experiences.

Though they’re not necessarily a reflection of your current relationship, certain scenarios and behaviors might trigger an emotional response.

Be kind to yourself – you’re much more likely to grow and heal when you’re a coach, rather than a critic, to yourself.

Take small risks

Relationship expert Esther Perel noted that learning to trust involves taking small risks – doing things that you usually find too difficult.

What that risk is will vary from person to person and depend on their experiences because what I might consider a small risk might be huge for another person.

So, while it should make you feel a little nervous or scared, it shouldn’t overwhelm you. For example,

• Share something about yourself that you haven’t shared before
• Tell another person something about them that you haven’t said before
• Say no (when you would ordinarily say yes even though you don’t want to)
• Ask for something you would usually not ask for
• Stop yourself before spying/snooping (like looking through his phone) – take the risk of trusting that he isn’t betraying you

Have a conversation with him

Have you had a conversation with your boyfriend about your difficulties with trust? It could be helpful to share openly and honestly how you feel and what your experiences have been.

Some advice to keep it harmonious:

• Be honest about how some of his behaviors make you feel without being confrontational (focus on how you feel rather than accusing him)
• Use “I” statements e.g., “I feel uncomfortable when…” rather than “You always…”
• Be open to his perspective and listen without interrupting
• Approach this conversation with the aim of healing and finding solutions, not to blame or have an argument

Cultivate a more secure attachment

Moving from an insecure to a secure attachment takes time, energy, and patience.

It’s a journey that involves educating yourself on attachment, developing self-awareness, learning to trust yourself, managing your anxiety, and learning to regulate your emotions.

It’s often helpful to seek the support of a therapist or other qualified professional. 

Forgiveness

Work on forgiving those who may have hurt you in the past, even if it’s a process that takes time. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean condoning their actions but rather releasing the hold their actions have on your emotional well-being.

This can involve accepting that the past cannot be changed and focusing on building a positive future. 

How to let go of the past:

• Reframe your story by focussing on the lessons learned from painful events to create a more positive outlook and a new narrative.
• Consciously work to let go of negative emotions associated with past memories.
• Forgive yourself and those who hurt you. Forgiveness does not excuse actions, but it frees you from carrying the burden of resentment.
• Do not let past experiences define your identity. 
• Practice mindfulness, meditation, or deep breathing to help you stay grounded in the present moment and prevent rumination on past events. 

Therapy

If persistent trust issues are affecting your relationship despite your boyfriend’s trustworthy behavior, it might be helpful to explore these feelings with a therapist.

They can help you understand the root of these feelings and develop strategies to build trust.

It’s not an option for everyone as it can be expensive but there are also various online courses and resources available for couples.

Healing Trust Issues in the Relationship

Although it might be difficult, trust can be built, rebuilt, and healed. In some cases, trust has been eroded to the point of no return and it might be better for both partners to go their separate ways.

However, if you want to work on your relationship and heal trust issues, take an active role and do your best to put the pieces back together.

As couples therapist Esther Perel noted in her MasterClass:

“Like when you drop a plate, and it has a big crack in the middle. You can glue it, and it will stick together. You will always see the crack, but you can use the plate for a whole lifetime. Sometimes the plate is in splinters and there is no way to put it back together. And then there is also the Japanese art of Kintsugi. You take a broken plate with all the small pieces, and you put it back together, not to restore the old plate but to create a new one.”

So what are some trust-building exercises for couples?

Practice open communication

Build emotional safety by sharing openly and honestly.

Open communication can be hard, but it can help you to accept each other’s feelings without judgment and develop a deeper understanding of each other.

Openly discussing your trust issues with your partner allows them to support you and understand the reasons behind your feelings. 

Tips for communicating honestly:

• Express your thoughts, feelings, and concerns clearly and respectfully.
• Communicate your need for reassurance or support. Let your partner know how they can help and support you.
• Use “I” statements to express the emotions, fears, and insecurities that stem from your trust issues.
  • For example, “I feel anxious when I think you are being distant” instead of “You always distance yourself from me.”
• Avoid placing blame or making accusations.
• Encourage your partner to share their own perspective. Be an active listener, demonstrating empathy and understanding for their feelings.
• Stay open to your partner’s feedback without becoming defensive. 

How: Set aside time for uninterrupted, honest conversations about your feelings and thoughts. Ask each other questions, answer honestly, and listen actively without interruption and judgment.

While advocating honesty, Esther Perel warns against harmful oversharing. This means:

1. Avoiding gratuitous details that could cause unnecessary pain (e.g., explicit sexual details).
2. Not sharing information that could make it impossible for the betrayed partner to move forward.
3. Being mindful of timing and the partner’s emotional state when sharing information.

Perel suggests finding a middle ground between secrecy and oversharing that allows for healing without causing further trauma.

Sharing vulnerabilities exercise

Trust involves being vulnerable and sharing feelings and experiences.

Creating a safe space for each other helps you to build a deeper emotional connection and mutual trust.

How: Both partners share something personal or past experiences they haven’t shared before. It could be fears, challenges, or insecurities. The other person listens actively without interruption or judgment.

Gratitude exercise

Regularly expressing gratitude lets the other person know they’re valued and respected, which strengthens trust.

It provides a sense of safety, knowing that the other person values you and the relationship.

How: Tell each other something you appreciate about them or the relationship, such as an action or quality. You can do this daily or once a week, in person, or through a note or message.

Forgiveness exercise

If there’s been a betrayal of trust, practicing forgiveness can help you to move forward. Of course, forgiveness can be a difficult process and takes time.

Nevertheless, talking about the pain and damage you experienced while the other person listens without being defensive can be an important step in the right direction.

How: One partner shares while the other listens without becoming defensive. The goal is to understand and find solutions for how to move forward.

How: “Forgiveness Letters” – Write letters expressing forgiveness for past hurts, then ceremonially destroy them together.

Future goals exercise

Planning the future together shows both partners are committed to a shared future and therefore builds trust.

How: Discuss your future as a couple. Identify shared goals (like financial plans, personal growth, and family aspirations) and create a plan for how you can support each other in achieving them.

Ultimately, healing trust requires patience and effort, but with consistent communication and small steps, partners can create a more secure, fulfilling relationship.