If you don’t trust your boyfriend, you’re not alone – many people struggle with trust issues, especially in romantic relationships.
Nevertheless, trust is fundamental to a healthy relationship so it’s worth exploring and working through trust issues.
Distrust can mean you don’t feel like your boyfriend is reliable or predictable and he won’t be there when you need him. It can also mean you don’t trust in the strength of your relationship and constantly worry that things will fall apart, and he’ll leave.
In essence, trusting your boyfriend means you believe he has your back in life and love.
You believe he treasures your relationship, won’t betray you but protect and defend you, and be there when you need him.
As such, trust is one of the most important and valued qualities in romantic relationships.
Yet trust is a delicate thing and can easily be damaged or broken.
It’s also highly influenced by your upbringing and past experiences so when your trust has been betrayed often, it can become harder to trust.
Signs of Distrust
What are the common signs of distrust in a relationship? How do these thoughts and behaviors differ from a trusting or healthy relationship?
Below you’ll see examples of the difference between a relationship with and without trust.
Doubt and questioning
- Distrust: Constantly doubting your boyfriend, for example, always questioning his actions or intentions (e.g., “Why didn’t you call me? Were you with someone else?”)
- Trust: Fundamentally you believe what your boyfriend says and that his intentions are good.
Monitoring behavior (control)
- Distrust: Snooping or spying on him, for example, checking his phone without consent or stalking his social media. You might force him to share all his passwords, leave his “live location” on, and expect him to always be reachable.
- Trust: You have no interest in checking his phone or stalking his social media. You don’t insist on location sharing unless it’s for safety reasons and don’t feel the need to exert any control over him.
Jealousy
- Distrust: Experiencing significant jealousy even in innocent situations, for example, seeing him speak to another person in a friendly way. You might experience intense jealousy just by imagining him betraying you.
- Trust: You rarely or never experience jealousy. You don’t want to control your partner but want him to feel free to love and be with you.
Inability to be vulnerable
- Distrust: Feeling unable to share your thoughts and feelings with your boyfriend even if he hasn’t given you a reason to distrust him. You might hate feeling vulnerable and emotionally shut down when he asks you to share.
- Trusting: You feel confident that if you share something personal, your boyfriend will listen and respond respectfully. You share what’s important to you.
Common Reasons for Distrust in Relationships
If you often have concerns like “Is my boyfriend cheating on me? Does he even love me? Is he just using me? Does he care about me?”
It’s important to take a step back and reflect on where these fears might be coming from.
Is it something he’s doing (or not doing)? Or could it have something to do with your past experiences, relationships, and insecurities? (It could be both, of course).
Ask yourself:
- Is the distrust based on something specific that happened? E.g., you caught him in a lie, or he laughed at you when you shared your feelings.
- Is this a pattern for you or a single event? In other words, do you tend to be distrusting in all your relationships now and in the past, or is this something new?
- What were your past relationships like in terms of trust?
- Do you generally find it hard to trust other people, situations, or even yourself?
Past Betrayals
One of the most significant factors contributing to a lack of trust is experiencing betrayal in the past.
Betrayals can come in various forms, such as infidelity, dishonesty, broken promises, or breaches of confidence. When someone has been hurt or betrayed by a trusted person, it can lead to lasting trust issues.
Additionally, repeated negative experiences in relationships can reinforce trust issues. If someone has been in a series of unhealthy or toxic relationships, they may develop a generalized lack of trust in others.
Lisa has consistently dated guys who have lied and cheated on her. Now, whenever she meets someone, she finds it very difficult to trust them and assumes they will betray her.
Maybe you’ve had a similar experience. You may have had an unstable relationship with your parents, which makes trusting people difficult.
Previous partners or even friends may have betrayed you, leaving you with an expectation that others will do the same.
Mistreatment in Past Relationships
When you are mistreated by a partner, caregiver, or loved one, this can create a deep-seated distrust of others.
Dr. Joyline Gozho explains that “with emotional abuse, the abuse is often hidden, subtle, and insidious, yet very deeply damaging. It leads to very deep emotional scars.”
Such abuse can erode a person’s trust in the safety and security of the world and the people in it.
Emotionally abusive people seek to control and manipulate their partners. This can have long-lasting effects on the victim’s ability to trust future partners.
They may develop a fear of being vulnerable and getting hurt, so they may preemptively distance themselves emotionally from others to protect themselves from potential pain.
They might believe they are unworthy of being loved and look for signs that their partner will hurt them.
Callum is generally a trusting person, but recently he has become suspicious of his boyfriend because his behavior has changed and he’s acting very hot and cold. Sometimes he’s loving and kind, other times he’s emotionally distant. He’s started not answering his phone and seems secretive whenever Callum asks him about it.
In this scenario, the behavior change has caused distrust.
When your partner suddenly starts acting differently and secretively, it’s understandable that it would make you uncomfortable, and suspicion would creep in.
Lack of Communication
Lyla and Patrick have a lot of fun in their relationship but when it comes to communication, Patrick is very avoidant. Lyla feels that whenever she tries to open up to him, she’s met with hostility or disinterest. Consequently, she doesn’t trust that Patrick cares about her feelings and thoughts.
Trust involves vulnerability. Sharing personal experiences, feelings, and thoughts is an integral part of building trust.
When this is missing, it can erode trust and have a detrimental impact on a relationship.
Childhood Trauma
Adverse childhood experiences, especially those involving caregivers or early relationships, can shape a person’s capacity to trust.
Researchers have repeatedly found that childhood trauma causes alterations in brain systems involved in detecting threats and disrupts one’s ability to form healthy attachments.
Attachments are bonds that we form with important people in our lives. They should provide us with a sense of safety, security, and belonging.
Children who experience maltreatment learn that the world is unpredictable and dangerous and that people cannot be trusted or relied on for safety and support.
Research has found that neglected or abused children often have disorganized attachment styles and do not typically view caregivers as a source of safety. They “learn to adapt to an abusive and inconsistent caregiver by becoming cautiously self-reliant.”
Additional research shows that, as adults, mistreated children are often “emotionally aloof and have difficulty forming close relationships.”
Older children in long-term foster care have been described as “suspicious and highly adaptable, all in an effort to control or manipulate people viewed as sources of fear rather than sources of love or security.”
Media & External Influences
Ashley feels inexperienced when it comes to the world of relationships as they’ve never had a partner or love interest. They spend a lot of time on social media where everyone seems to be talking about revenge porn or being ghosted and cheated on. Their friends also share stories of being betrayed by partners. It makes Ashley feel that people can’t be trusted.
The way people around us speak about trust can have a significant impact on us.
If we’re constantly told by our friends, family, or society that people can’t be trusted and that “everyone cheats” or “men don’t care about your feelings”, we might start to believe that’s true.
Insecure Attachment
Attachment theory suggests how a person forms attachments in childhood can influence their trust patterns in adult relationships.
In other words, early interactions with caregivers, siblings, and peers shape how you see yourself, others, and relationships.
Natasha is very anxious in relationships and has a strong fear that her partner will eventually leave her. As a result, she’s always on the lookout for signs that he doesn’t love her anymore and will leave her for someone better.
People with insecure attachment styles (e.g., anxious or avoidant) may struggle with trust issues in relationships.
Their interactions with caregivers in childhood may have made them unconfident in the availability, acceptance, and responsiveness of attachment figures.
Avoidant individuals are afraid of being vulnerable due to a fear of getting hurt or rejected. They struggle to rely on others and protect themselves by withholding trust.
Anxious individuals are often worried about being abandoned or rejected.
They may be quick to accuse their partners of cheating or lying, seeing distance or withdrawal as a sign that their partner is no longer interested in them.
As a result, they might:
- Monitor their partner’s behavior for signs of rejection
- Often perceive otherwise ambiguous or innocent situations as threatening to their relationship (e.g., if he hasn’t responded to a message for several hours)
- Ruminate about perceived threats (e.g., “I bet he thinks she’s prettier than me”)
- Catastrophize about the relationship’s future (e.g., “He’s going to leave me for someone else”)
- Become highly aggressive or confrontational when they perceive a betrayal (real or imagined)
This sense of distrust is rooted in early experiences and makes it difficult to trust other people, especially romantic partners.
Similarly, if you’ve experienced betrayal in previous relationships, you may develop the (conscious or unconscious) belief that people aren’t trustworthy.
This can then manifest as having a lot of thoughts and feelings related to distrust (like jealousy, rumination, and worrying) even if there is no specific reason for this.
You might act on these feelings and thoughts (like confrontation, spying, monitoring behavior) to protect yourself and your relationship.
Trust issues can wreak havoc on the quality of your relationship and life so it’s vital to address them.
When Trust Issues are a Red Flag
While your feelings of distrust may be influenced by your past experiences and attachment style, the main reason for distrust might be your boyfriend’s behavior.
Sometimes trust issues can indicate a deeper problem in the relationship. For example:
Repetitive dishonesty
If you’ve caught your boyfriend lying or cheating on you once or multiple times, it’s natural that you will struggle to trust him.
Manipulation
If your boyfriend plays mind games (e.g., gaslighting, silent treatment, hot-cold behavior) aimed at manipulating and controlling you it can damage the trust between you.
He might dismiss your concerns or twist the truth in his favor, and you may start to doubt and distrust your own perceptions.
Unclear intentions
If your boyfriend is emotionally distant, doesn’t communicate openly, or lacks commitment, it can make you question his intentions.
His behavior might not fill you with confidence and trust.
If any of these apply to your situation, you can try to have a conversation with him about your concerns and put in place strong boundaries.
However, in some cases, such as repeated lying, cheating, or gaslighting, chances are he won’t change, and you should seriously consider the future of your relationship.
How Trust Issues Can Affect Relationships
Trust is fundamental to a healthy relationship. If you don’t trust your boyfriend’s intentions, commitment, or love, it will be very difficult for the relationship to thrive.
Distrust can affect relationships in some of the following ways:
Breakdown in communication
Poor communication such as withholding information, avoiding certain conversations, or passive-aggressive communication makes it difficult to resolve issues and maintain emotional closeness.
“He never spoke about his past and avoided any emotional conversations. It made me feel like he didn’t trust me and was hiding something, so I became suspicious. I guess we didn’t trust each other so we never spoke about anything meaningful.”
Insecurity
If you don’t trust your partner, you will feel anxious and unsure about where you stand in the relationship.
You might become controlling or clingy while your boyfriend may withdraw to avoid confrontation and questioning.
“I couldn’t shake this feeling that he was cheating on me, and it made me so anxious. I would go through his phone when he was in the shower, desperately trying to find some evidence to support this feeling. He caught me once and we had a huge argument. I thought his reaction was extreme, which convinced me that he was up to no good. The relationship eventually crumbled because he emotionally shut down and I was constantly resentful and angry.”
Emotional distance
When there’s no trust, partners may emotionally detach to protect themselves.
When there’s a lack of emotional connection, it makes it hard to feel close, understood, or valued.
“I knew he was lying to me about his habits, but he always denied it. I told him I couldn’t help him if he didn’t open up, but he dismissed me and said I was paranoid and crazy. He felt like a stranger to me.”
Conflict
Distrust can lead to frequent arguments, accusations, and misunderstandings.
“I couldn’t stand it when he spoke to other women, it made me so anxious and jealous. I shared with him how I felt but he thought I was exaggerating. So whenever we went out somewhere, we’d end up arguing about the same things.”
Lack of support
Partners rely on each other for emotional, physical, and practical support.
When there’s no trust, you may no longer give and receive that support, making you feel isolated, unappreciated, and resentful.
“Most of the time when I tried to speak to him about how I was feeling or something important to me, he seemed uninterested. He often changed the topic or turned away from me. It made me feel really alone and unimportant so eventually, I just stopped trying to have those conversations altogether.”
Loss of commitment
Constant distrust can make you (and your boyfriend) doubt the future of the relationship. This can lead to disengagement from the relationship, infidelity, and break-up.
“We hurt each other so many times that we couldn’t trust each other anymore. Our relationship grew more distant, and we were living past each other so eventually, we broke up.”
