What to talk about with your boyfriend

Conversations are about creating a deeper connection, fostering understanding, and building a relationship where both of you feel seen, heard, and loved.

So, go on, have those conversations, explore those depths, and watch your relationship flourish.

The Foundation: A Relational Mindset

Before we even consider what to talk about, it’s essential to cultivate the right mindset.

Think of your relationship as a dynamic entity that requires active tending, not a static state to be maintained. This involves:

• Relational Intelligence: This is about understanding the nuances of how you interact with each other. It involves recognising patterns, anticipating needs, and choosing your words with intention.
• Active Engagement: Relationships are not passive experiences; they require active participation. It’s about choosing to engage rather than letting things drift, or relying on “coziness” that stifles the potential for growth.
• Embracing Paradox: Relationships are inherently complex, often filled with contradictions. You might crave both passion and security. Rather than seeing these as problems to solve, be willing to tolerate the uncertainty that comes with human connection.

To have productive and meaningful conversations with your boyfriend, it is important to foster open communication, vulnerability, and curiosity. Here are some topics and approaches to consider:

Love Maps: Exploring Each Other’s Inner Worlds

Building love maps is an important aspect of creating and maintaining healthy relationships.

Love maps are internal roadmaps of a partner’s inner psychological world.

They involve knowing a partner’s feelings, needs, beliefs, values, childhood history, and other details about their life.

Building love maps isn’t just about asking questions; it’s also about remembering the answers.

This demonstrates that you truly listen and care about what they share.

You should make an effort to store these facts in your memory in the same way that you might with a street map.

1. Needs and Expectations:

Talk about what each of you needs in a relationship.

Discuss what makes each of you feel loved, valued, and important.

Talk about your expectations of the relationship, including commitment, exclusivity, and future goals.

It is important to share your boundaries and be clear about what you are comfortable with. If you are not getting your needs met, communicate that.

What makes you feel safe in a relationship?

This is a good way to establish boundaries, and to ensure that your date feels comfortable.

What has been some of the greatest lessons you’ve learned from watching your parents’ relationship?

This is a good way to understand how your boyfriend’s upbringing and family life has influenced their view of relationships.

How do you like to be loved?

This is a more intimate question, and is best for later in the relationship.

It can reveal their love language, and help you understand how to make them feel loved and secure.

What did you not get in your last relationship that you needed?

This is a great question to ask when you are both ready to be a little bit more vulnerable.

It allows your date to openly share what they were lacking in the past.

2. Vulnerability:

Explore your partner’s relationship with vulnerability.

Consider asking them:

• How have you changed their life?
• What positive impact do they feel you’ve had?
• How do they envision your relationship growing in the future?

Create a non-judgmental, safe space where he feels comfortable sharing. Avoid interrupting and make sure he knows it is safe to be honest without being criticised

Asking questions that encourage your boyfriend to open up about their fears, insecurities, and past experiences can foster a deeper bond.

How can I support your autonomy and freedom and independence in this relationship?

This question opens the door for conversations around negotiation, and how to meet both individual needs as well as the needs of the relationship.

It is a reminder that relationships are not static but dynamic, and require ongoing negotiation and communication

3. Curiosity and Storytelling:

Rather than asking generic questions such as “tell me about yourself”, ask questions that encourage storytelling and invite deeper sharing.

Explore their past experiences, such as a peak moment in their lives, or an obstacle they’ve overcome.

It gives you a glimpse into his journey, and how he’s become who he is today.

Get to know those deeper, sometimes darker, parts of your boyfriend. This might be his fears, past hurts, or mental health struggles.

It’s important to recognise that some men struggle to be open in this way, and this may affect their ability to accept it in others.

Tell me about a time you got in trouble when you were a teenager.

This can be a fun question to get a glimpse into their rebellious side.

Tell me about a day that changed your life?

This can lead to a story about a pivotal moment in their life, and help you understand how they see the world.

What is your favourite memory of us?

This question will help you reflect on your time together, and celebrate the highlights of your relationship.

4. Values and Beliefs:

Recognise that we all express our emotions differently, and it’s not a problem if your partner’s ’emotional vocabulary’ isn’t the same as yours.

Invite them to share their feelings, in a non-pressurising way, and creating a safe space for them to open up.

Ask about the values and ethics that guide their views on life, and how their past experiences have shaped those beliefs.

Get into the nitty-gritty of what makes them tick, ethically speaking.

What qualities do you look for in a friend?

This can help you understand how they value people in their lives, and it can also reveal how they would like to be treated themselves.

What are some of the things that make you feel unsafe in a relationship?

This question can be an important conversation to have early on, as it lets you know what boundaries they may have, and what their triggers are.

4. Daily Threads:

Don’t overlook the little things. Ask:

What’s on your mind and heart today?

These seemingly small questions can actually reveal deeper layers and help you understand what’s truly going on for them.

When your partner responds, listen actively. This means listening not just to the words, but also to the tone of voice, the body language, and any underlying emotions.

Put down your phone, make eye contact, and be fully present in the moment.

Listen to understand, not just to respond.

Keeping the Spark Alive

It’s not just about the big conversations. It’s about those little moments of connection throughout your everyday life:

• The Text Message Trick: Even if you are in the same house, try sending your boyfriend a message that says something like:
  
  “Hey, I realize you’re sitting right next to me. It’s been a while since we’ve met. How have you been?”.
• Look for Novelty: You can find novelty even in long-term relationships. Be curious about the changes that both you and your boyfriend have gone through.
• The Power of Touch: Don’t forget the simple things! Ask things like, “It’s been a while since we held hands, what’s that like for you?”.
• Write a Letter: A letter can be a fantastic way to express yourself.
  
  Write about your thoughts and feelings about your relationship, or even about a conversation you had with a friend.
• The Art of Play: Remember the joy of play? Bring that playfulness back into your relationship.
  
  Try things like making the evening the day, or pretending your home is a club.
• Shared Experiences: Do things together and bring those new experiences into your conversations.
  
  Go to a movie or join a book club or have a walk in nature.

Intimacy and Sexuality

Talk about sex, even if it feels a bit awkward at first. This can lead to a sense of relief and a deeper understanding between you.

Explore any anxieties or shame you may have around sex.

Talk about what you’d like to try, and how to create good experiences for each other.

Highlight that your intention is to improve your relationship. Mention that you want to make the relationship even better and that you value his input.

This helps create a collaborative and shared vision for the relationship.

Instead of making accusations or demands, start by asking open-ended questions that allow your partner to share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

1. The Role of Sex:

Have a chat about the role of sex in your relationship, and what you both want from your sexual experiences.

Open and comfortable conversations about sex can have a wonderful impact on your intimacy.

Are you thinking about it in terms of physical pleasure, emotional connection, vulnerability, or something else?

When do you feel the most connected to me sexually?

What do you like most about our intimate encounters?

2. Sexual Needs and Desires:

Recognise that we all express our emotions differently, and it’s not a problem if your partner’s “emotional vocabulary” isn’t the same as yours.

Invite your boyfriend to share their feelings, in a non-pressurising way, and creating a safe space for them to open up.

Share what makes you feel good, and invite him to do the same.

Talk about what makes you feel connected and desired.

Discuss the importance of foreplay, and explore what that looks like for both of you.

Understand that for some people, foreplay can extend beyond the physical touch, and may include emotional connection and shared experiences.

Talk about what each of you finds pleasurable, what turns you on, and what you would like to explore.

What are your favourite things about our sex life?

How do you like to be touched?

3. Frequency and Timing:

Discuss how often you both would like to be intimate.

This could be about how often to engage in sex, or when you both tend to feel most interested.

Understand that everyone is different.

4. Explore Fantasies and Kinks:

Share any sexual fantasies, interests, or kinks you would like to explore, while also being open to your boyfriend’s.

It’s helpful to explain why you are interested in them, and how they make you feel.

What are some of your sexual fantasies?

5. Revisit Boundaries and Expectations:

It is important to regularly revisit your sexual boundaries, expectations and desires within a long-term relationship.

Over time, needs and desires change, and having ongoing conversations can ensure you’re still aligned.

Why Acknowledging Avoidance is Crucial

Avoidance, or the act of steering clear of difficult or uncomfortable topics, is a common pattern in relationships.

It often stems from a fear of conflict, vulnerability, or potential negative outcomes.

However, consistent avoidance can be detrimental to the health and longevity of a relationship.

When issues are consistently avoided, they don’t disappear. Instead, they can fester and grow into resentment.

This resentment acts like a bacteria that eats away at your insides until you hate your partner.

Avoidance can become a self-perpetuating cycle. The more you avoid difficult conversations, the more difficult they can become to initiate in the future.

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Learning to address avoidance in relationships requires a thoughtful and balanced approach.

The foundation lies in making observations without blame, speaking directly yet compassionately, and leading with vulnerability.

When you notice patterns of avoidance, frame your observations in a way that opens dialogue rather than creates defensiveness.

For instance, you might say “Have you noticed how good we are at never bringing this up?” rather than making accusations.

The environment and timing of these conversations matter significantly.

Choose moments when both partners are present and receptive, perhaps during a designated weekly check-in.

Create an atmosphere of safety and trust where both parties feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and emotions.

Frame the discussion around strengthening your connection and resolving issues as a team, emphasizing the shared goal of improving the relationship.

During these conversations, expect and embrace discomfort as a natural part of the process.

Practice active listening by paying attention to words, tone, and body language, while validating your partner’s emotions even when perspectives differ.

Using “I” statements helps maintain focus on personal experiences rather than accusations, fostering a collaborative approach to problem-solving.

Sometimes these discussions require multiple attempts, and that’s perfectly normal.

If emotions become too intense, take agreed-upon breaks using predetermined signals.

The repair process is crucial – be ready to apologize, take responsibility, and move forward together.

Expressing gratitude for your partner’s willingness to engage in difficult conversations encourages continued open dialogue.

Different attachment styles and responses present unique challenges.

A defensive partner may need extra reassurance and safety, while someone who shuts down might require space alongside clear communication about needs.

Those with anxious attachment tendencies might need to moderate their urge for constant relationship discussions, while avoidant individuals can work on staying present during uncomfortable conversations.

Not every issue will find perfect resolution, and that’s okay.

The goal is to manage differences effectively rather than eliminating them entirely.

When needed, seeking support from a relationship professional can provide additional tools and strategies for improving communication.

Remember that these conversations aim to strengthen your connection, not to prove who’s right or wrong.