Intimacy can feel incredibly potent and exciting with people who might be considered wrong for us for a variety of complex psychological, emotional, and social reasons.
This intense feeling often stems from a combination of unresolved personal histories, the allure of the forbidden, and the specific emotional needs that these “wrong” partners seem to fulfil, even if only temporarily.
Understanding these dynamics is a crucial step in relational intelligence.
It allows us to differentiate between a fleeting, albeit powerful, love story and a sustainable life story, which requires shared values and the ability to navigate life’s complexities together.
Unresolved Needs
When we feel a strong sense of intimacy with someone wrong, it may be because the dynamic taps into these deep-seated emotional needs that stem from our personal histories, particularly our childhood.
1. Recreating Familiar Dynamics
We are often drawn to partners who allow us to recreate familiar emotional landscapes from our past.
There are only two relationships that truly mirror each other: the one with our primary caregivers and the one with our romantic partners.
Often, we unconsciously choose partners who resemble our parents or caregivers, creating a dynamic that feels familiar, even if it was painful.
This can lead to what is known as a repetition compulsion, an unconscious attempt to resolve core conflicts that arose during our early attachments.
If a person grew up with an emotionally unavailable or rejecting parent, they may unconsciously seek out partners who mirror this pattern.
The familiar feeling of working hard to earn love becomes their psychological “center of gravity” in relationships
The “Fixer” or “Rescuer” Role:
Some people are drawn to “projects”— partners with significant problems, like addiction or emotional issues.
This “rescuer” role provides a sense of significance and purpose: “If I can be the reason for this person’s change, then I am worthy”.
This dynamic, however, prevents true emotional intimacy because it establishes an unequal power dynamic of healer and patient, rather than a partnership of equals.
2. Outsourcing Needs
We are often attracted to people who express the parts of ourselves that we don’t want to deal with directly.
For example, a person who fears losing their independence might be drawn to a partner who actively seeks connection, thereby outsourcing their own need for closeness.
This dynamic can feel intensely compelling because the other person seems to complete us, embodying the very qualities we long for but have disavowed in ourselves.
3. Enmeshment and Lack of Boundaries
Sometimes, what feels like intense intimacy is actually an unhealthy enmeshment, where boundaries are blurred and individuals become overly dependent on each other for emotional validation and identity.
This can feel good because it creates a sense of constant connection and validation, but it sacrifices personal growth and autonomy.
An enmeshed relationship often starts in a “honeymoon stage” or a “love fog” that feels intoxicating but is an immature view of intimacy.
The Allure of the Unhealthy
We can find ourselves drawn to dynamics that, while unhealthy, feel familiar or provide a temporary boost to our self-esteem.
4. Low Self-Esteem and Validation
A core reason for this pattern is low self-esteem.
When a person doesn’t feel worthy of love, they are often repelled by those who are readily available and interested in them, unconsciously thinking:
“What’s wrong with them that they would be into me?”.
Instead, they are drawn to the challenge of winning over someone who is unavailable.
The pursuit becomes an ego-driven quest for validation; if they can get this person to love them, it proves their worthiness.
5. Familiarity Mistaken for Chemistry
We are often instinctively drawn to what is familiar, even if that familiarity is unhealthy.
If you grew up in a chaotic environment or with caregivers who were emotionally unavailable, you might unconsciously seek out partners who replicate those dynamics.
The resulting turmoil can be mistaken for passion or intense chemistry because it resonates with old, unresolved emotional wounds.
This “spark” is often your unconscious mind trying to complete an unfinished pattern from your past, seeking to finally “win” a love that was previously withheld.
Intense, “out of control” chemistry can be dangerous because it clouds judgement and causes individuals to ignore significant red flags.
6. The Thrill of the Chase
The feeling of earning someone’s love can be highly addictive.
An emotionally unavailable person creates a dynamic where you are constantly trying to win them over, which can feel like a powerful romantic drama.
This chase can create an intense feeling of attraction that is often confused with deep connection, when in reality, it’s a pattern rooted in low self-worth and a need to prove oneself.
A partner’s unavailability can make them seem more valuable due to a scarcity mindset, making the moments of connection feel euphoric and intensely rewarding.
7. Chaos and Drama Feel Like Passion
Some relationships are fuelled by a cycle of breaking up and making up, creating highs and lows that can be addictive.
Healthy relationships can sometimes feel boring in comparison because they lack this volatility.
The “arousal confusion” theory suggests that the heightened physiological state from conflict – increased heart rate, dilated pupils – can mirror sexual arousal, making angry sex feel intensely passionate.
Some people become addicted to the thrill of these ups and downs.
Lust Isn’t Love (But It Can Fool You)
Lust is a primal, chemical experience that can feel incredibly powerful and alive.
It often happens at the beginning of a relationship when hormones are high, and everything feels new and exciting.
However, this intense “honeymoon phase” is not the same as enduring love, which is a choice and a practice built on different qualities like friendship, trust, and shared values.
8. The Spark can be Deceptive
That instant “spark” we all crave? It’s often overrated.
This feeling can be generated by people who are simply charismatic or even narcissistic, giving everyone the same intense feeling without it being a unique connection to you.
Research suggests that only about 11% of long-term, successful couples experience “love at first sight”.
Lasting attraction often grows over time as you get to know a person’s character, a concept known as the “slow burn”.
What we mistake for connection is often charisma, projection, or fantasy.
9. We Fall in Love with a Fantasy
Early in dating, we often project our idealised fantasies onto a person we barely know.
The intense feelings of connection are often with this imagined version of the person, not the real individual.
This is particularly true in situationships where the lack of real commitment allows the fantasy to live on, unchallenged by the realities of a long-term relationship.
This is because the relationship exists in a bubble, separate from the responsibilities and mundanities of daily life.
The fantasy of what could be, unburdened by reality, creates a powerful sense of connection and excitement that can feel more real and intimate than a relationship grounded in day-to-day life.
10. The Appeal of the “Bad Boy”
Some women are drawn to the confidence and assertiveness often projected by “bad boys“.
This confidence makes a woman feel safe and can be very attractive, even if it’s a facade masking deeper insecurities.
There can be a “comfort in the dysfunction” because the bad behaviour is expected, removing the anxiety of searching for flaws that might exist in a “good guy“.
Affairs and Forbidden Love
Secret or forbidden relationships, such as affairs, can create a supercharged sense of intimacy and excitement.
11. The Erotic Charge of Breaking Rules
There’s something inherently erotic about the forbidden.
Affairs and secret relationships are often electric – not because the connection is deep – but because it’s laced with risk, novelty, and escape.
As Esther Perel says, an affair is often less about the other person and more about the version of yourself you get to be in their presence.
It’s not about love. It’s about aliveness.
Secret relationships tend to be supercharged because the excitement is fuelled by the thrill of something being hidden or “naughty,” rather than the health of the connection itself.
12. The Affair Partner Dynamic
For the person being pursued in an affair, the idea that someone would risk so much for them can be a huge boost to their libido and ego, a phenomenon known as “object of desire self-consciousness”.
For the person having the affair, they are often seeking a different version of themselves – a self that feels lost in their primary relationship – and this pursuit of a “new self” can feel exhilarating.
13. Desire for the Unattainable
For some, the experience of loving is tied to the pursuit of someone who is unavailable.
This pattern can start in childhood with crushes on people who could never reciprocate those feelings, making the pursuit itself the source of excitement.
The longing and fantasy involved in wanting what one cannot have can create a powerful sense of aliveness, which gets mistaken for deep intimacy and love.
