Autistic females, like most people, generally desire friendships and social connections. Many autistic females express a strong interest in forming and maintaining friendships, often showing similar social motivations to their neurotypical peers.
However, despite this desire for social bonds, autistic females may experience higher rates of loneliness compared to both neurotypical females and autistic males.
This loneliness can stem from various challenges in forming and maintaining friendships, which we will explore in this article.
Note: Current research primarily focuses on cisgender individuals, with limited studies on gender-diverse autistic experiences so the term "autistic females" will be used to refer to cisgender females.
Friendship challenges for autistic females
Autistic females face a range of challenges in forming and maintaining friendships, which can impact their social experiences and well-being.
These challenges often stem from differences in social communication, expectations, and the ways in which autistic females interact with the world around them.
Note that every autistic person is different so not all autistic females will struggle with these challenges.
Social camouflaging or masking
Autistic females may develop strategies to hide their autistic traits to fit in with social norms and make friends (also known as autistic masking/camouflaging). This can lead to less genuine connections and hinder authentic self-expression, as one person says:
“I feel like my friends don’t know the real me. I have a different mask for every person and I worry that they won’t want to be friends with my authentic self.”
Navigating relational conflict
Autistic females may experience more relational aggression, such as being gossiped about or left out, and they may struggle to understand or respond effectively to it.
One study found that autistic girls reported high levels of relational aggression within their friendships, and they may not be able to recognize conflict in their relationships or manage it in the same way as non-autistic girls.
Difficulties in understanding social norms and expectations
Autistic females may struggle with subtle social cues, body language, and unspoken rules, which can lead to misunderstandings and feelings of “social disorientation.”
They may also find that female peers are less accepting of social mistakes or differences which can result in “a weird sense of ‘disconnect’ between me and other women,” as one person put it.
Expected physical and emotional intimacy
There may be more of an expectation to be more emotionally open or intimate in female friendships which can be challenging to some autistic individuals. For example, rejecting a hug from a friend might be interpreted as rude.
One person wrote:
“Being autistic I really struggle with people touching me or understanding when it is appropriate to display physical intimacy with platonic friends, so I tend to just not do it unless it’s initiated by the other person.”
Friendship insecurity
Due to difficulties making and maintaining friendships, autistic females may have a fear of being rejected or a fear of losing friends.
They may have difficulty forming trust and worry about being judged by potential friends. As one person said:
“I’ve had bad experiences of friends letting me down in the past and rejecting me so now I assume that this will be the case for all future friendships so what is the point in trying?”
Disconnection with neurotypical individuals
Connections with neurotypical females can be particularly challenging due to:
- Complex Social Rules: Female friendships often involve unspoken rules, subtle hints, and indirect communication that can be difficult to navigate.
- Different Communication Priorities: Neurotypical female friendships typically emphasize emotional sharing and social bonding through conversation, which may not align with autistic communication preferences.
- Social Hierarchy Complexity: Female peer groups often have complex social hierarchies and unwritten rules about status and behavior that can be overwhelming to understand.
- Exhausting Social Performance: The pressure to maintain neurotypical social standards can be mentally and emotionally draining.
While it is not impossible to have enduring, strong friendships with neurotypical people, many autistic females may find it easier to connect with other neurodivergent individuals.
Strengths Autistic Females Bring to Friendships
Autistic females can possess a unique set of strengths that can enrich friendships, often mirroring the qualities found in neurotypical female friendships, while also bringing unique perspectives and attributes.
These strengths can contribute to meaningful and fulfilling relationships, though they may be expressed differently from those of neurotypical individuals.
Authenticity and Honesty
Autistic females are often commended for their authenticity, honesty, and direct communication style.
They tend to say what they mean and value genuine connections over superficial interactions, which can create a strong foundation of trust within friendships.
This authenticity allows them to have a clear and straightforward approach to communication, which can be a refreshing quality in friendships.
Emotional Connection and Support
Autistic females, like neurotypical females, tend to value emotional sharing, intimacy, and conversation in friendships.
They are often highly supportive of their friends, offering a space for emotional expression and understanding. This focus on emotional connection can foster deep, meaningful relationships.
Loyalty and Dedication
Autistic females can be incredibly loyal and dedicated friends. They tend to form intense, close friendships, often preferring one or two best friends rather than a large group.
This dedication can lead to strong, enduring bonds, and being an attentive friend.
Unique Perspectives and Insights
Autistic females often possess unique perspectives and insights that can broaden the horizons of their friends.
They may have different ways of seeing the world, problem-solving, or expressing themselves creatively, enriching the lives of those around them.
This different perspective can introduce innovative ideas and approaches to various situations.
Preference for Quality Over Quantity
Since autistic females may prioritize a few close relationships over a large number of casual friendships, they can invest deeply in their chosen friendships.
This means their chosen friendships are likely to be of higher quality as they can dedicate more time and effort to their close friends.
How do autistic female friendships compare to autistic male friendships?
Key differences in autistic female and male friendships may include:
- Social Motivation: Autistic females are typically more socially motivated than autistic males, showing a greater interest in making and keeping friendships. They also tend to be more included in the classroom than autistic boys.
- Friendship Focus: Autistic girls often focus on talking with friends, while autistic boys tend to focus on shared activities.
- Friendship Quality: Autistic girls tend to have closer, more helpful, and more secure friendships than autistic boys. Autistic boys’ friendships are often described as being more activity-focused and practically supportive.
- Intimacy: Autistic girls value intimacy in friendships, similar to neurotypical girls. They are more likely to seek emotional sharing and support, and their friendships are more likely to center around emotional sharing, talking, and spending time together. Autistic boys are more likely to focus on practical elements of friendship, such as shared activities and providing help.
- Conflict: Autistic girls report more relational conflict (such as gossiping and being left out) within their friendships than autistic boys. Autistic boys tend to experience more overt conflict (such as threats). Autistic girls may find it harder to understand and manage conflict.
- Number of Friends: Autistic girls may have one or two close friends rather than a larger group. They may not have a wide circle of casual friends. Autistic boys may have a wider group of friends.
- Social Styles: Autistic girls may develop “compensatory strategies” to camouflage social difficulties, which can help them be more socially included but may lead to challenges in maintaining these relationships.
- Understanding: Autistic males may have a more “exchange-based” or “tit-for-tat” understanding of friendship compared to females.
- Communication: Autistic girls may be more likely to discuss their friends, which could be because they are hyperaware of friends or social groups or because they are more likely to experience negative consequences when they make a social misstep.
- Gendered Expectations: Gendered expectations about friendship may affect autistic boys and girls differently. For example, women tend to value intimacy and reciprocity in friendships, while men’s friendships are based more on sharing activities and interests.
References
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Cola, M., Yankowitz, L. D., Tena, K., Russell, A., Bateman, L., Knox, A., … & Parish-Morris, J. (2022). Friend matters: sex differences in social language during autism diagnostic interviews. Molecular autism, 13, 1-16. https://doi.org/10.1186/s13229-021-00483-1
De Goede, I. H., Branje, S. J., & Meeus, W. H. (2009). Developmental changes in adolescents’ perceptions of relationships with their parents. Journal of youth and adolescence, 38, 75-88. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-008-9286-7
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Płatos, M., & Pisula, E. (2021). Friendship understanding in males and females on the autism spectrum and their typically developing peers. Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders, 81, 101716. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.rasd.2020.101716
Sedgewick, F., Hill, V., Yates, R., Pickering, L., & Pellicano, E. (2016). Gender differences in the social motivation and friendship experiences of autistic and non-autistic adolescents. Journal of autism and developmental disorders, 46, 1297-1306. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-015-2669-1
Sedgewick, F., Hill, V., & Pellicano, E. (2018). ‘It’s different for girls’: Gender differences in the friendships and conflict of autistic and neurotypical adolescents. Autism. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361318794930
