You meet a guy, and the connection is instant. He showers you with compliments, texts you constantly, and within a few days, he’s talking about how he’s never felt this way before.
Though part of you may think it’s romantic, you might also be asking yourself, “Is this instant connection real or is it a red flag?” or “What are the signs of lovebombing or manipulation?”
Rushing you into a relationship and coming on too strong are indeed potential red flags for manipulative or controlling behavior.
And while two people can meet and immediately feel a strong desire and genuine connection, proceeding with caution is a good idea.
Potential reasons why he’s so into you so soon
In some cases, if someone seems very into you quickly, it could be a red flag. But coming on strong doesn’t necessarily mean they have bad intentions.
Nevertheless, true intimacy and love are built over time so it’s unlikely that what he’s experiencing is love – he’s either getting carried away by his strong feelings or trying to gain something.
Let’s explore some of the reasons why some men get attached quickly:
1. Genuine connection
Sometimes when you meet someone (romantically or otherwise), you seem to get along so well that it feels as though you’ve met this person before.
This is infatuation, attraction, or a strong connection but not love in the true sense of the word.
While it could turn into love and a close relationship, it’s nonetheless important to proceed with some caution and be mindful of his behavior and intentions.
Signs or green flags of it being genuine include:
- Consistent, respectful behavior
- Stability in their actions and words
- Remains independent but shows consistent interest in you
- Wants to get to know you – doesn’t push for immediate commitment
- They ask thoughtful questions about your life and listen attentively
2. Manipulation: lovebombing and control
When a man rushes into a relationship and showers you with excessive affection, gifts, or attention, he might be lovebombing you.
Lovebombing is a manipulative tactic that involves a person overwhelming you with admiration and promises to gain your trust and commitment early on.
While it can feel flattering and romantic, the aim is to create emotional dependency and control.
This behavior can sometimes mask insecurity, control issues, or narcissism.
The lovebomber may use their initial grand gestures to make you feel special, but over time, they might become increasingly controlling, possessive, and abusive.
Here are some signs of lovebombing:
- Intense and immediate affection, compliments, and attention
- Grand gestures such as lavish gifts and extravagant outings or holidays
- Discussing deep commitment and future plans very early on
- Professing his love for you after only a few days or weeks
- Constantly texting or calling and getting upset if you don’t respond immediately
- Signs of jealousy e.g., constantly checking up on you, looking through your phone, questioning your interactions and friends
3. Evolution
Evolution could have a role to play in why he’s so into you so soon:
Claiming his territory
From an evolutionary perspective, men might be more inclined to want to “claim their territory” early on.
Because men don’t bear the child, they have an increased risk of paternal uncertainty (knowing whether the child is theirs).
Thus, they may instinctively come on stronger to ensure no other man can get their partner pregnant.
Men say “I love you” faster
According to one study, men fall in and express their love earlier than women. They might experience stronger feelings more quickly and due to paternal uncertainty, express it more assertively.
Also, men can (technically) have unlimited sexual partners while women are reproductively much more limited.
Thus, men have less to lose reproductively if they commit to the wrong woman compared to a woman committing to the wrong man. This might make men less inhibited when it comes to expressing how they feel.
4. Misguided emotions
A guy may seem very into you quickly because he’s found something in you that he likes – you might be intelligent, beautiful, exciting, nurturing, kind, or a good listener.
He might run away with those feelings and misguidedly interpret them as love due to:
Inexperience
Someone who hasn’t had any or many relationships might be inexperienced when it comes to love.
They might get ahead of their feelings and seem very into you very quickly because they haven’t felt this way before – mistaking infatuation for love.
Mistaking infatuation for love
Infatuation (a strong desire for someone that’s usually short-lived) is an intense feeling that can easily be mistaken for love.
This feeling might drive him to rush into things with you without getting to know you properly first.
Insecurity
If he feels insecure because he’s socially isolated, has been single for a while, or has low self-esteem and confidence, he might attach to you more quickly.
He might find in you the reassurance, validation, stability, and emotional support he’s looking for to counteract his insecurity.
Romantic beliefs
According to research, men are especially likely to believe in the idea of “love at first sight”, which might lead them to put too much importance on the initial chemistry.
This may partly stem from cultural influences such as Hollywood’s portrayal and idealization of whirlwind romances and the pressure to find “the one”.
Projection
The reason for his intense feelings might be projection.
In this context, projection involves attributing our own ideas and desires onto another person rather than seeing them as they truly are.
This can lead us to create a fantasy of who we want the person or relationship to be, often overestimating their positive qualities while overlooking flaws or potential red flags.
Rebound
If he’s just come out of a relationship, his intense feelings might be explained by the emotional aftermath of the breakup.
Ending a relationship often leaves a void where love once existed, and he might be channeling the love he was giving his ex into you as part of a “rebound”.
5. Anxious Attachment
Men with an anxious attachment style might come across as being into you very quickly.
Anxiously attached individuals are often desperately searching for someone who will satisfy their deep need to be loved. They tend to idealize a person whom they believe can solve their problems and fulfill their needs.
However, they also tend to have a strong fear of rejection and abandonment and may therefore become preoccupied with the relationship and how the other person feels about them.
This can come across as obsessional and clingy, and you might feel like they’re too into you too soon.
6. Emophilia
A guy who’s so into you so soon might have Emophilia – a tendency to fall in love quickly and easily.
It’s characterized by experiencing immediate (though superficial) romantic connections and rushing into relationships.
People with Emophilia don’t evaluate whether the other person is a healthy or compatible match for them.
Rather, they focus on immediate gratification in the form of connection, validation, and excitement.
That means they tend to idealize their partners and ignore red flags.
Their strong desire for love can also lead them to manipulative behaviors such as lying, lovebombing, and cheating.
How to handle intense early relationships
If you feel like the guy you’re seeing is moving too fast, make sure you stay true to what you want, establish boundaries, and look out for any red flags.
Here’s some advice for handling intense early relationships:
1. Reflect on what you want
When someone is really into you, it might cloud your judgment of the person, or you might feel pressured to go at their pace.
But remember that dating is about figuring out if the other person is a good match for you.
Prioritize your own feelings and reflect on whether you like him and can see a future together.
If not, that’s okay – there’s no obligation when you’re dating so don’t let him pressure you into anything.
2. Examine his behavior and words carefully – look for any red flags
While it’s possible to feel a strong attraction and connection to someone when you first meet them, healthy relationships evolve over time with mutual respect and understanding.
Someone being very into you early on doesn’t have to be a red flag but you should be cautious as moving very quickly can be a tactic to manipulate and exert control.
Trust your instinct – if it feels rushed and unboundaried or “too good to be true”, pay attention to his behavior and how he makes you feel. Put boundaries in place and walk away if necessary.
Manipulation “red flags”:
- Lovebombing
- Lack of boundaries e.g., pressure to spend time or invading your personal space
- Seems preoccupied with the physical side of things
- Dismissing your concerns if you bring them up
- Narcissistic traits such as grandiosity, lack of empathy, excessive need for admiration, arrogance, or manipulation (e.g., gaslighting)
3. Communicate your concerns and feelings
To look after your well-being and build a healthy, respectful relationship, it’s crucial to establish boundaries.
Here’s some advice for setting boundaries without discouraging genuine interest:
- Set boundaries early
Try to introduce your boundaries early on in the relationship so you can build healthy patterns from the start.
For example: “I think we can build something stronger if we take things slow and only see each other once a week for the time being.”
- Be clear and honest
Communicate your needs and limits assertively but kindly. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory.
For example: “I love spending time with you, but I need to spend some evenings alone to recharge”
- Have empathy
Acknowledge his feelings while explaining your own – you want the conversation to be supportive not defensive or critical.
For example: “I know it might feel hard when I say no to some plans. It’s not because I don’t like you, it’s just that I need space sometimes.”
- Encourage open communication
Invite him to share his needs as well and practice having open, honest conversations. This will help you to create mutual understanding and healthy communication.
For example: “I want to make sure we both feel comfortable. What do you need from me? What don’t you like?”
- Be consistent
Stay consistent with your boundaries until circumstances evolve and you might change some of your boundaries.
For example, if you said you only want to speak/text after work, stick to that rule.
4. Reflect on your role in the dynamic
How do your relationship patterns and beliefs influence the dynamic?
Romantic beliefs
If you hold romantic beliefs like “love at first sight” or idealize “finding the one”, this could intensify the dynamic:
- You might put a lot of importance on the intense initial chemistry, potentially overlooking signs that the relationship is not sustainable
- Idealizing “love at first sight” could make it difficult to differentiate between infatuation and the foundations of a lasting relationship
- You might interpret intense emotions and an instant connection as proof that he’s “the one”
Anxious attachment
If you have an anxious attachment style, this could influence the dynamic because you might:
- Equate intensity with love so his quick declarations of affection or eagerness to rush into a relationship might feel validating. Consequently, you might reinforce his intensity
- Overlook red flags or unhealthy behavior because you fear that addressing them might push them away – you might cling to the relationship even if it feels too much
- Struggle to set boundaries because you’re worried it could lead to rejection
Avoidant attachment or being closed off from love
If you have an avoidant attachment style or are closed off to love for other reasons, it can influence the dynamic because you might:
- Struggle with closeness and interpret his affectionate behavior as overwhelming or intrusive
- Be overly worried about his interest being too good to be true
- Fear losing your independence and push him away
Relationship expert Esther Perel suggests considering whether you can genuinely receive another person’s love and affection. If not, could it be because you’re worried the relationship won’t last and they won’t stay?
You might question why he’s into you so quickly because you’re protecting yourself from potential hurt.
But as Esther Perel says, we must confront and work through our fears and open ourselves up to love if we want to experience close relationships (unless there are red flags – in that case, follow your intuition).
5. When to walk away
If you notice any of the red flags mentioned throughout this article and you feel pressured, stressed, or constricted by his behavior, it might be best to walk away.
At the beginning of a relationship things are usually quite casual and lighthearted – if his intensity doesn’t sit right with you, communicate your boundaries to him. If he doesn’t respect your boundaries, walk away because if he doesn’t respect you now, he won’t respect you later either.
Sources and further reading
Harrison, M.A., & Shortall, J.C. (2011). Women and Men in Love: Who Really Feels It and Says It First? The Journal of Social Psychology, 151(6), 727–736.
Jones, D.N. (2024). Emophilia: An overlooked (but not forgotten) construct in relationships and individual differences. Personality and Individual Differences, 221, 112551.
Montgomery M.J. (2005). Psychosocial intimacy and identity: From early adolescence to emerging adulthood. Journal of Adolescent Research, 20, 346–374.
Drescher, A. (2024). Narcissistic Love Bombing Cycle: Idealize, Devalue, Discard. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/narcissistic-love-bombing-cycle.html
Drescher, A. (2024). Narcissistic Relationships: Signs, Impact, and How to Cope. https://www.simplypsychology.org/narcissistic-relationships-signs-impact-and-how-to-cope.html
